think of the stupidest thing stella8h8chang has ever done... (1 Viewer)

[stella8h8chang]

...and multiply it by itself a thousand times. And this is even worse...

Last night (or should I say, this morning) I had a major meltdown. A lot of things triggered it...the short list goes...
My grandfather died...in addition to this (or as a result?) I had to fly back to Malaysia immediately to spend 2 rotten weeks in a rottener house with the rottenest people - missing out on the endofterm festivities, my brother got food poisoning and we had to look after him, I didn't get prefect, I screwed up Ext Eng big time (78) and so my average this year has gone kaput, my fishtank is leaking, one of the ponds looks empty (our garden's birds have a lot to answer to), I'm not allowed to play the piano, mum fully hates my singing...just when I thought I'd "discovered" that I could sing when Mrs T gave me a vocal solo...everytime I open my mouth she tells me to shut up, I'm grounded for the rest of the holidays, my violin is locked in at school, my parametrics were disintegrating because I'd missed the whole last week of school, my brother just got a new $465 violin case just by asking and is on his way to getting some Obligato strings which cost upwards of a hundred bucks a set when I can't get the bow upgrade even when my teacher said I need one because my bow is "el cheapo" and I'm the more advanced player even if I have poorer technique because the parents took away my lessons...and to add to that, I rang all my friends when I came back from Malaysia, and nobody picked up their phones, and when I left messages for them only one person rang back. It was as if when they saw me on caller ID they decided not to answer. And I genuinely needed help, because I've missed so much school, and my brains have rotted.

Anyhow. So I basically collapsed emotionally last night and made up my mind to go get a kitchen knife and slit my wrists. So at 2am I got out of bed and began writing my farewell emails. And for some stupid reason I wrote a 2500 word email to (get this straight) my closest guy friend whom I've known for seven years describing my dismal situation, what I was about to do, and how I loved him and I was always going to love him no matter what happened. See, since I thought I wasn't going to wake up tomorrow, this stupid crush had been boiling away for sometime, and I hadn't said anything because I was afraid of spoiling the friendship, so I thought, reveal everything now and nobody will be hurt. And just because I'm as studious as he is, I added a line at the top "don't read this unless you've finished all your HSC stuff".

Guess what? Mum came downstairs because she heard the racket. So my grand plan didn't work (do they ever?). But I also realised it was my dad's birthday, and it would be a bit...slack...if I actually went through with everything, so I grabbed a cup of hot milk, toddled off to my room, engraved a heart above the lightningbolt and pretended I was just hungry.

So everyone, what is the moral of this story?

I was hoping you could tell me that...

Please also reply if you want to:
a) give me some advice on how I can rectify the problem that my best guy friend as now blocked me and the friendship is even more ruined than I could have possibly foreseen
b) pat me on the head and say, you "poor little emotionally retarded naiive girl..."
c) bask in your intelligence/commonsense/social aptitude and yell at me for my lack thereof
d) laugh and keep laughing until Christmas

- a very, very, very miserable stella8h8chang

 

[Tulipa]

okay wow i'm really sorry but get yourself together.

no offense but you have a lot of growing up to do. realise that while all those things happening at once seem pretty horrible right now, it'll all come together eventually ok?

and yes emotional breakdowns happen but things work themselves out of situations like this.

you're only just starting the HSC now and from the sounds of it are fairly gung-ho about it. focus on that, focus on what you love, on what you can do and work around that.

trust me, you haven't hit rock bottom yet but when you do don't turn to the kitchen knife and farewell emails again, just remember it didn't work last time and it won't work again.

edit: oh don't worry about getting prefect, yes its a disappointed but leaders often spend too much time with their heads up their asses and the whole worrying about yr11 thing? you've got good grades so far, don't worry about it. it doesn't count to your UAI and will only matter well... probably never

 

[Alimoe_KG]

Calm down, use your head, put your head before your heart for a while, sit down and think about it.

To do that, you need to stop listening to whatever crap people online tell you. THis is your situation, we're not in it, we can't feel what you're feeling.

You'll be fine. Stay away from L&R.

 

[*yooneek*]

* far out!

you had quite a load 2 carry-

im so sorry you have had to face all this and felt so alone...
and though i dont know you im glad you didnt go through with the whole knife scene!!!

pffff to your friends- i'd love to be ur friend!

with the singing- just get louder... if you love it, they'll have to get used to it...

and in regards to the guy friend email thing... i did that exact thing- except i had a different ending- i rallied my friends at 3am and we were all on the internet trying to guess his pword- anyhowz, we didnt guess it and he gave it to us at school...
cha-ching=deleted! (>>>you arent the first to pull that stunt=)

dont worry- im sure he'll come around- and if he doesn't... poof to him i say!

KEEP STRONG! you'll be just fine
you sure had cool guts submitting all that to a bunch internet forumerers...

TAKE CARE
xxx

 

[rockstar01]

hey stella did u go to north shore cause u look familiar

 

[Dreamerish*~]

*Hugs*.

I don't blame you at all for not dealing with it well. But one thing - don't ever, ever kill yourself. Life is short enough as it is, and there are always possibilities of being happy again. Look at yourself from another person's perspective - wouldn't you tell them that this is just a phase which won't last? And that they're silly for giving up on life when they hit one bump at such a young age?

There are going to be plenty of times when you'll feel there is nothing to live for anymore, but once you get through one of those times, you'll know that these bad feelings don't last forever. Life goes on.

I can't offer any good advice for your situation but to just hang on and let everything settle. You should talk to a close friend, who might make you feel that there is in fact someone who's there for you. As for the guy, how do you know for sure that he has blocked you? If he read your email and decided not to talk to you again, then he is not much of a friend. I'm sure that out of all your friends, there will be one that cares enough to help you through all of this.

Don't keep it bottled up. You might think your family doesn't care, but they might not even have noticed how depressed you were because of your grandpa's passing. Talk to them?

 

[stella8h8chang]

okay wow i'm really sorry but get yourself together.

no offense but you have a lot of growing up to do. realise that while all those things happening at once seem pretty horrible right now, it'll all come together eventually ok?

and yes emotional breakdowns happen but things work themselves out of situations like this.

you're only just starting the HSC now and from the sounds of it are fairly gung-ho about it. focus on that, focus on what you love, on what you can do and work around that.

trust me, you haven't hit rock bottom yet but when you do don't turn to the kitchen knife and farewell emails again, just remember it didn't work last time and it won't work again.

edit: oh don't worry about getting prefect, yes its a disappointed but leaders often spend too much time with their heads up their asses and the whole worrying about yr11 thing? you've got good grades so far, don't worry about it. it doesn't count to your UAI and will only matter well... probably never

Actually I'm an accelerant...and so in less than a month I have a subject to sit for my HSC. Which is another reason I'm stressed - my mother told me because it's a "stupid" subject (SDD) she expects a lot. As in, top 10 or else. Prefectdom...it's just that I really wanted it for my CV, because I thought I'm a pretty OK leader, I've been monitress and Classics Captain, and well...I've been playing a goody-goody role free from detentions or uniform reports all my secondary school life leading up to this...and because my mother was a prefect and her sister was head girl she expected me to do it too. And now all she says is stuff along the lines of, "look at the state of your room! no wonder you can't be a prefect!" and it hurts.

 

[Tulipa]

Actually I'm an accelerant...and so in less than a month I have a subject to sit for my HSC. Which is another reason I'm stressed - my mother told me because it's a "stupid" subject (SDD) she expects a lot. As in, top 10 or else. Prefectdom...it's just that I really wanted it for my CV, because I thought I'm a pretty OK leader, I've been monitress and Classics Captain, and well...I've been playing a goody-goody role free from detentions or uniform reports all my secondary school life leading up to this...and because my mother was a prefect and her sister was head girl she expected me to do it too. And now all she says is stuff along the lines of, "look at the state of your room! no wonder you can't be a prefect!" and it hurts.

breathe.

a lot.

deeply.

you do know that its perfectly fine to question your parents? yes they did raise you for awhile and may think they know whats best for you but hey you know whats wonderful about growing up? you get to be your own person and make your own decisions. you know that the state of your room has nothing to do with whether or not you got prefect. so dismiss her, make it humorous, no offence but if those really are her exact words you can think "she has no idea what she's talking about!". Also do you like SDD, do you feel confident in it? if so then again ignore her, it sucks that shes being like that when you are so stressed but being as smart as you are. IGNORE HER. believe in yourself, you really can do this.

this is only my two cents so sorry if you're offended but feel free to ignore.

 

[AsyLum]

Take what tulipa said onboard, it'll help you think of things in another light.

Namely: you are still in school, take that as it is, a learning experience for a teenager for the real world. It may be harsh, but think of it this way, the real world is worse than that, you are made into a machine and no one is going to care for you if you fall down in it. If you feel like things have hit the bottom, talk to someone, talk to your mother and tell her how you feel. People are not mind readers. If you really need help, go seek it out at counselling or otherwise.

The HSC is not the be all and end all, it is a set of exams. That is it.

 

[The_highwayman]

I'm proud that u have told everyone this. sometimes, the best thing to do is to tell someone. Do you feel any better having done so? i hope so.

Firstly. Dont ever reconsider the knife. or any other form of suicide.
Secondly. is your brother younger or older? Usually, the younger child gets spoilt, beyond reason. I know it happens in my family. If he is older then your parents are probably blinded by pride or something because they probably think he has blossomed to his full potential and that you are still to do so. I dont know if u have or havent reached your best, but if u havent, i can only imagine what a talent person you could be.
Thirdly. Sorry about your grandfather's passing. losing any family member is always tough, but it is a fact of life. all i can do is offer my sympathies and say that i know how you feel in that respect, even if you were really close.
Fourthly.the guy will soon get over the shock. he probably just blocked it because the HSC is looming so close. If he doesnt get over it, then (i know it sounds cliched) he doesnt deserve such a talented person such as yourself.
Fifthly.

last night (I) made up my mind to go get a kitchen knife and slit my wrists

That made me shiver. it is really upsetting.
Sixly (?). dont think of your mother as ruining your plans. WOuldnt u rather feel glad that she came to check up on you because she thought something was wrong. I think that there is a good a sign as any that she is there for you. Maybe you should tell her about your problems. Cry. Crying is a really good stress release mechanism.
Seventhly.(??!) Feel fortunate that you are in year 11 and that your marks arent going to guide your future. rather, realise that you get a second chance. thats all anyone could ask for.
Eightly. never feel that you are alone or that life isnt worth living. The glass is always, always half full. and when it starts to lessen, try to fill it to the brim.

Have a wonderful life.

 

[stella8h8chang]

Firstly, thankyou everyone, for being so supportive and kind...**hugs all around**

* you sure had cool guts submitting all that to a bunch internet forumerers...

Haha. Yeah I know, I have so few real life friends that when they don't answer I go here.

hey stella did u go to north shore cause u look familiar

I sure did; attended Chatswood NSC from 2001 till this year when I finished...which is a relief.

As for the guy, how do you know for sure that he has blocked you? If he read your email and decided not to talk to you again, then he is not much of a friend. I'm sure that out of all your friends, there will be one that cares enough to help you through all of this.

Don't keep it bottled up. You might think your family doesn't care, but they might not even have noticed how depressed you were because of your grandpa's passing. Talk to them?

Yeah, maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. It's just that he's normally a real MSN nut, online nearly every night, and because he isn't here...oh well. But anyway, the thing that's awful is that nobody is returning my calls, and the one friend who did has now gone away for the weekend. I don't really want to burden my family with any more stress, because my mum is upset enough as it is that she lost her father, and she's v.worried about how my grandmother is coping...and my father has his own worries (both parents have concerns about my brother and his slothful habits), and my brother is...twelve years old...so naturally we don't click too well

 

[iambored]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT DO IT, DO NOT EVER THINK ABOUT IT AGAIN. you made me want to cry, just from reading that and i don't even know you.

you have so much to live for. you've been through a lot at once and i'm sorry you had to go though it all.

you really have to work through this. that was your rock bottom, you have to work on getting yourself up from here. see a counsellor if you really need to.

drop the negatives, try to think of all the positives. i know there have to be some.
1. you can sing, far out, if i could get a solo i would be proud
2. you're an accellerant, does that mean you had to be doing well?
3. friends (well, people) can be strange. i don't know people's problems, don't take any of what happened personally. one friend did ring back. for me it's got to the point where i jumped to conclusions like that so many times and found out the truth, so i never care about much anymore because it's not worth it
4. you are an advance violin player

why are the fishtank leaking and pond looking empty problems? they could be small things that added to everything else but it doesn't matter
you missed end of year 11 festivities? that's hardly anything to care a lot about.

you have to look at things and work out if they will really bother you in a year or two. if not, forget them, they aren't worth your worry.

another thing to remember is that asian parents are known for being how you described them. sometimes it's useful to think that people are just the way they are, it's a cultural thing that can't be changed, it's just something to accept and move on with, but it's hard to do if you feel you are being put down.

we're all here to talk, ok? keep posting

 

[withoutaface]

I suggest you stop blowing your problems out of proportion. Yes your life's pretty shit at the moment, but it isn't that shit, and to be honest the only thing I'd be really pissed off about would be the friends not calling me back.

 

[ameh]

Stella. Stay calm and don't make rash decisions.
Learn from your mistakes, and move on....also keep yourself away from sharp objects.

I agree with Tulipa, yes you do have a lot of growing up to do [but doesn't everyone?], but heck it's those moments that make you stronger or so the cliche goes.

This thread needs an assurance from good ol' Confucius ''the true mark of success is not in never falling, but in rising each time you fall.'' This ''dismal situation'' will be one of a many you might have in your life, [whether it's in your control or not] but it's best to learn from it and soldier on...And keep sharp objects away from teh children ofcourse. [once again]
And get rid of the guy friend, if he blocked you then as Oprah's book club says ''he's just not that into you'' and more importantly he doesn't deserve you!
You definately have a lot on your plate and it stinks of parental/school/social expectation. So stress less, don't make rash decisions, don't think too much after all this guy is another wet fish in a mucky pond. And wet fish secks is certainly a No No. Anyway pardon my waffling, this'll pass and you'll look back in the future and think what a dodo you were for stressing so much =) Trust me.

I think admiration is drawn from those who can endure hardship and battle the next obstacle with greater fervour and expectation.

 

[rockstar01]

Yeah i remember you... u were in the year below but u were in my maths class because you were really smart....

I'm not asian so surely that narrows it down to a very small number of people that were there haha

 

[*Buttercup*]

ignore withoutaface........ and listen to everyone else who's being supportive

*hugs*

I don't really know what to say, just wat everyone else has said i guess. make sure u talk to someone. coz if u keep bottling it all inside it'll never get better! if u dont feel u can talk to anyone in ur family atm, what bout someone in school, a teacher or something? or do you have a school counsellor? Coz that'd be heaps good, to talk to someone who isn't actually emotionally involved in what is going on.

 

[repz]

no matter how bad things are they can get better or worst
it is when things are the worst, and you get through them, you think of watever obstacles ahead as something accomplishable, as you have been through so much.
i've had friends try to kill themselves... some even end up in mental instituitions you dont want to end up there...
you just goto play your delt hands.
well for all those friends who aren't there well, it just shows you who ur true friends are.
when bad shit accumulates it makes you want to give up.
be strong and get through it, like they say live life to the fullest.
as for telling your friend that you are interested in him, and he isnt responding his probably thinking about it.
things tend to work in funny ways so just let time heal these wounds and keep urself safe
because this is only the beginning there will be harder times in the future
and happier times.

 

[AsyLum]

ignore withoutaface........ and listen to everyone else who's being supportive

*hugs*

I don't really know what to say, just wat everyone else has said i guess. make sure u talk to someone. coz if u keep bottling it all inside it'll never get better! if u dont feel u can talk to anyone in ur family atm, what bout someone in school, a teacher or something? or do you have a school counsellor? Coz that'd be heaps good, to talk to someone who isn't actually emotionally involved in what is going on.

I think waf has a valid point, things may seem compounded but the important part is to see it COULD be worse.

 

[SuGa BunI =D]

b) pat me on the head and say, you "poor little emotionally retarded naiive girl..."
d) laugh and keep laughing until Christmas

hahahaha there there you drama queen


Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

 

[stella8h8chang]

OK. He hasn't block me. To block or unblock him?