just a couple of questions... (1 Viewer)

[stella8h8chang]

OK...I was just curious as to what the socially acceptable norms are with regards to...(basically, a little advice)

1. Is getting involved with a childhood friend (one who you have known for 8+ years) ludicrously messy? I formerly thought it would be OK, and even better to go out with a guy who I knew really really well, because since I haven't dated anybody else before, it was a safe starting place. But now I'm a little apprehensive because it probably won't work out, and I feel a bit confused about whether I just consider him a v.v.v.v. good friend, because physical attraction = nil. If he kisses me I will probably spew. But of course, as some people have said, this could be purely due to childhood memories/reflexes. So yes, and I'm slightly worried about the aftermath, because as a kid he was rather temperamental, bordering on violent at times. I don't want to lose his friendship. And he tends to treat this as if it's neverending, and he sometimes gets on the verge of being obsessed. While I like to be fussed over and get daily texts/phonecalls/emails it gets me a tad worried which leads to my next point.

2. Is it stupid/strange to try and set down "terms" of a relationship before you get yourself involved? Like..."please don't expect this to last for multiple years, because I'm no < insert name here >, we're only sixteen, and there's some big years ahead of us?" or something like that? Erk. Awkwardness. Or, "When this ends, can we agree that we'll still be friends afterwards?". Or "there is nothing physical on the agenda, it could get us both into trouble with our parents"...which leads to the final point.

3. What if the both of you are going behind your parents' backs? Makes it a lot more complicated, doesn't it? Everything has to be covered up, and we have to be very demure in our movements. But that way it sort of makes it easier for me, because I have an instant reasoning for not getting physical. But am I going to lose my parents' trust over this, and is it worth it? I wonder...

4. Physicality in a relationship. Some friends have said it's a necessity, others think that having too much of it turns a relationship into lust. If I said that kissing and hand-holding weren't agreeable to me, I would be telling a downright lie. But even though I have this amazing emotional connection with my bf, the thoughts of kissing and hand-holding seem misplaced because he's a childhood friend and...it would be like doing that with a brother...which is strange. And I have to admit, there has been a guy I've met who I wouldn't mind kissing/hand holding, but there hasn't been anything near that psychological "click". Perhaps it will come with time.

So, there, I've gone contradicted myself. And I don't know exactly what I was asking for in the first place. Just needed to get it off my back.

 

[jumb]

1. Is getting involved with a childhood friend (one who you have known for 8+ years) ludicrously messy?

Yes. He's as a friend, stop making him into something else.

2. Is it stupid/strange to try and set down "terms" of a relationship before you get yourself involved?

Don't do that. If you have ideas of where the relationship will go, keep them to yourself. Just go along with the ride and see where it takes you.

3. What if the both of you are going behind your parents' backs? Makes it a lot more complicated, doesn't it?

Then don't go behind your parents back. Either casually tell them or get a new boyfriend.

4. Physicality in a relationship. Some friends have said it's a necessity...

It is. If you don't have anything physical, you might as well just be friends.

 

[babydoll_]

OK...I was just curious as to what the socially acceptable norms are with regards to...(basically, a little advice)

1. Is getting involved with a childhood friend (one who you have known for 8+ years) ludicrously messy?

2. Is it stupid/strange to try and set down "terms" of a relationship before you get yourself involved?

3. What if the both of you are going behind your parents' backs? Makes it a lot more complicated, doesn't it?

4. Physicality in a relationship. Some friends have said it's a necessity, others think that having too much of it turns a relationship into lust.

1. It can get messy, but at the same time things are more comfortable since you know each other so well.

2. A bit awkward, but if you're close then he should understand you and your quirks, so do it if you must.

3. This is a no-no. Your parents will go nuts WHEN they find out, and they will, cos they have super spidey senses which detect things like this. It's better to be honest.

4. Once again, depends on the person... things like this shouldn't be generalised cos everyone is different.

 

[Alimoe_KG]

Stop worrying over the details. The more you look into it, the more faults and flaws and contradictions and difficulties you will find.

Just do what you want to do. The aftermath might be good or it might be bad. But don't hold yourself back.

Decide on whether you truly want to have this guy as your bf. If he's been a friend since childhood, than he shouldn't be such a bastard as to ditch you if the relationship doesn't work out.

Just look at the situation as simply as possible: there's a boy and there's a girl.

If they like each other as more then friends, then i say go for it.

 

[soha]

i think its different for everyone

 

[Lennie]

What jumb said

also;

1) Dont do it. looking past the family friend thing (which isnt good )... Ive been in an obsessive relationship and let me tell you, that is one of the messiest things you could ever imagine. the whole time I was thinking "damn i wish i didnt start this". and you will too. they NEVER end well...

2) if you have to lay down terms, the relationship isnt a good idea. Dont do it, he will find a way around them, or just wont agree to them.

3) Its not worth it, unless you absolutely are totally and completely in love with him, which it sounds like you arent...

4) dont know what to say... except it doesnt sound right....

 

[Beckiki_S]

OK...I was just curious as to what the socially acceptable norms are with regards to...(basically, a little advice)

1. Is getting involved with a childhood friend (one who you have known for 8+ years) ludicrously messy?

I think you answered this one for yourself. You don't really like him in any way that is 'more than a friend'. And yes, I think it can get messy. One of my childhood friends started asking me out (and oh my god yes i was sooo very physically attracted to him) but it just made it so weird because we couldn't have family get-togethers in the same way and i saw new sides to him and yeah well long story short it can get v. weird (its okay now though, in case you guys cared.

2. Is it stupid/strange to try and set down "terms" of a relationship before you get yourself involved?

Yes. Just don't expect them to always stick. But why do this in the first place? You can set down "terms" as you go along and find your own comfort level that is based on experience and not a predetermined rule. Don't be too sterile.

3. What if the both of you are going behind your parents' backs?

Yes it makes it MUCH harder. And where do you draw the "physical" line that you speak of? Are you going to kiss him? Because, if you can't then why even bother going behind your parents backs.

4. Physicality in a relationship.

I think if you aren't physically into him at all then you DEFINITELY shouldn't be going out with him. He's just a friend.

 

[LaCe]

Some of these questions have come up in Seinfeld episodes, well if they havent, they are good topics for seinfeld discusiion.

Anyway, Just go for it!

 

[iamsickofyear12]

Yes
No
Yes
No

But I didn't read it because it's way too long.

 

[Epiphany]

You don't sound like you're into him.. at all really! Just move on and find someone you are actually attracted to.

 

[Frigid]

some general principles:

1. bf <----------<close friend type A>----------<friend>----------<close friend B>-----------> brother

where does he fit, and is there chance of movement along the curve?

2. teenage relationships (LoL i love that word - considering this is my last teenage year) have an implied term of termination. he should well know that (unless of course, he's naivenaivenaive, in which case i feel sorry for the poor bastard if you let him fall).

3. your parents (from your previous posts) are overcontrolling maniacs who want to make you into their clone (no offence - i tell it like it is). do you reckon they'll let you have a relationship at age 16?

4. number 4 was a question?

 

[Jago]

if there's no physicality, it won't work. For a while things may seem okay, but they all fail in the end.

also, if you don't find him attractive, don't go out with him.

 

[santaslayer]

OK...I was just curious as to what the socially acceptable norms are with regards to...(basically, a little advice)

1. Is getting involved with a childhood friend (one who you have known for 8+ years) ludicrously messy? I formerly thought it would be OK, and even better to go out with a guy who I knew really really well, because since I haven't dated anybody else before, it was a safe starting place. But now I'm a little apprehensive because it probably won't work out, and I feel a bit confused about whether I just consider him a v.v.v.v. good friend, because physical attraction = nil. If he kisses me I will probably spew.asking for in the first place.

It sounds like you don't have anything for him but you DO want to use him as an 'experiment'. (which i am not for or against at all. )

 

[Dreamerish*~]

1. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it: if you find this guy physically unappealing, and value him more as a friend than a potential boyfriend, then chances are, you probably won't enjoy being in a relationship with him. according to what you said, in a relationship, he may become too protective and obsessive, resulting in arguments and even violence. you've been friends with him for 8+ years, it probably isn't worth losing that to start a relationship you're not 100% sure you want. leave it for now, but you can keep thinking about it, one day, when you're so sure about it, that you wouldn't come on BoS asking for our opinions, that is the day you shall get with him.

2. Planning is futile: if you say to your boyfriend: "I promise I'll love you forever". then one day, you suddenly find yourself in love with someone else. what do you do? do you sacrifice all of your potential happiness because of one hell of a promise you made someone? no. therefore, planning the way a relationship will work is extremely naive. you can't see into the future. anything might happen, making a pact at the beginning of it won't change anything.

3. Everyone does it: how old are you? if you're 15+ then it's probably hard to restrain yourself from having relationships with boys that you like. most people (at least most asian people) have hidden a relationship - or relationships - from their parents. my friend has kept her 2.5-year-and-still-going boyfriend from her parents for that long (her parents were extremely unobservative). i went out with my boyfriend for a few months before my parents found out. of course, they went off at me like fuck once they found out, but after a month or so, they accepted him, now he comes over and has dinner with us. the point is, if you really feel it's right, don't let your parents stop you. you need to experience these things (by that i'm not implying you should have sex with every guy you fancy )so that you'll be able to tell who is right for you in future. your parents might be strict now, but they could be surprisingly lenient if you talked to them about it (or have them find out accidentally...).

4. Don't base your relationship on mere physical attraction: if you really want a relationship with a guy, but you can't imagine yourself going anywhere beyond kissing or holding hands, it's only normal. extreme physical attraction can develop later on in the relationship. however, hooking up with a guy only because you find him hot, hoping that you'll click emotionally later on is probably not a good idea. but that being said, if you feel uncomfortable even kissing or holding hands, then it's a sign that you should stay as just friends. kissing and holding is what separates friends from boyfriends.

sorry about my huge rant. i have no life.

 

[bernz]

1. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it: if you find this guy physically unappealing, and value him more as a friend than a potential boyfriend, then chances are, you probably won't enjoy being in a relationship with him. according to what you said, in a relationship, he may become too protective and obsessive, resulting in arguments and even violence. you've been friends with him for 8+ years, it probably isn't worth losing that to start a relationship you're not 100% sure you want. leave it for now, but you can keep thinking about it, one day, when you're so sure about it, that you wouldn't come on BoS asking for our opinions, that is the day you shall get with him.

2. Planning is futile: if you say to your boyfriend: "I promise I'll love you forever". then one day, you suddenly find yourself in love with someone else. what do you do? do you sacrifice all of your potential happiness because of one hell of a promise you made someone? no. therefore, planning the way a relationship will work is extremely naive. you can't see into the future. anything might happen, making a pact at the beginning of it won't change anything.

3. Everyone does it: how old are you? if you're 15+ then it's probably hard to restrain yourself from having relationships with boys that you like. most people (at least most asian people) have hidden a relationship - or relationships - from their parents. my friend has kept her 2.5-year-and-still-going boyfriend from her parents for that long (her parents were extremely unobservative). i went out with my boyfriend for a few months before my parents found out. of course, they went off at me like fuck once they found out, but after a month or so, they accepted him, now he comes over and has dinner with us. the point is, if you really feel it's right, don't let your parents stop you. you need to experience these things (by that i'm not implying you should have sex with every guy you fancy )so that you'll be able to tell who is right for you in future. your parents might be strict now, but they could be surprisingly lenient if you talked to them about it (or have them find out accidentally...).

4. Don't base your relationship on mere physical attraction: if you really want a relationship with a guy, but you can't imagine yourself going anywhere beyond kissing or holding hands, it's only normal. extreme physical attraction can develop later on in the relationship. however, hooking up with a guy only because you find him hot, hoping that you'll click emotionally later on is probably not a good idea. but that being said, if you feel uncomfortable even kissing or holding hands, then it's a sign that you should stay as just friends. kissing and holding is what separates friends from boyfriends.

Exactly!! You hit the nail on the head!! Smack bang in the middle of its head!!

Also, I really fear my parents finding out about my bf... they're like... uber-nazi... *closes the window realy quick before any evidence can be seen*

 

[Jago]

It sounds like you don't have anything for him but you DO want to use him as an 'experiment'. (which i am not for or against at all. )

but her idea of an experiment is holding hands...

 

[Alimoe_KG]

You read too much into things and you over-analyse all the little pros and cons.
Just do bloody what you feel like doing. The more you fret about what could potentially happen, the more you'll carry that anxiety and burden into the relationship if one does start. You'll continously be afraid of the relationship going on the rocks because what will that mean to your friendship etc. And that more than anything, will be what causes its demise.

Just look at him simply as a great guy you get along well with and decide if you want to take the next step.

bleh.

 

[santaslayer]

but her idea of an experiment is holding hands...

Exactly. She hasn't started a relationship with a guy before. Your idea of an experiment may be different to someone else's.

 

[Jago]

fair enough. guess im just jaded :/

 

[jellybeenz]

1. Ack... don't analyse things so much!! I'm so hypocritical to say this to you, coz I do the same things but just kinda let things happen, because the best things in life are unexpected and unplanned, especially things like kissing...

2. Yes and No. Don't start the relationship off with a bunch of rules coz thats just stupid... but as you go along, don't promise yourself forever, just let him know that life is unpredictable and you two are young, so nothing is forever....

3. Going behind your parents backs might make things difficult but from the sound of your parents, its the only way. Otherwise you'll be waiting until you've finished medical school before they allow you to date.

4. The physical part of the relationship is sooooo important... I'm not saying you should go out and have sex, but... kissing is what makes a relationship different from a friendship, if you don't think its important then I don't know what you classify a boyfriend to be...