A public-school teacher tried to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator. He was arrested and charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. Attorney General Ashcroft said he believes the man may be a member of al-gebra. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," said Ashcroft. "They reach average solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like X and Y and refer to 'unknowns.' We believe they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles, once said, 'There are three sides to every triangle.'" President Bush said, "If God wanted us to have weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that we now have a sine that these math-dogs, intent on protracting us, are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence!" The President added, "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line. These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered, as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks!"