shady145
Banned
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2008
- Messages
- 1,687
- Gender
- Female
- HSC
- 2014
o and can u tell me which title is better.
i know the quality isn't the best, but that's y i do standard english.
could u please tell me how to make it better and if u feel a new paragraph needs to go in there somewhere please say so.
thankyou
Belonging
Title: A strange world. Or Into the world
Yeww, yeah! Into the world I come. I open my eyes to see two people staring at me in awe. One of them I seem to be attached to by a wrangled reddish chord. The air brushing past on my bottom, the red goo on me drying up. A tall person in a white coat started drying me with a soft fabric. Then ‘snip’, I was free. The person I was attached to was sweating and puffing, while the other person, a hairy fella’ lifted me over to him. A question struck me, why do they make weird sounds. Blah Blah Blah, what are they saying? I keep trying to communicate with them but all they ever do is hug me like something is wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with me, its them making the weird noises. I decide its time to escape, but find movement is very limited. Whoa I cant control my legs and arms. Look at them, kicking and swinging uncontrollably. I attempt to calm them but a blanket wraps around me. Weeee I’m flying, look, look, everybody, look at me fly. I turn a corner, how did I do that? I enter into a room full of other minions like myself. I told them to look at me fly. One replied “sorry kid but your being carried, look behind you”. I turn my head in disappointment to observe the tall man in the white coat place me in this soft padded container. This chamber I was in was slightly bigger than the chamber I had spent my last 9 months in. Left alone to defend for myself, I gain a sudden feeling in my stomach, it keeps growing, eventually my belly tries to talk however is left with a rumble instead. Instinct tells me to put my thumb in my mouth. I do so and discover a tantalizing taste. It tastes so good I can’t stop sucking. An hour passes and the taste has dulled down, jaw sore, I ask one of the fellow minions how to make the feeling in my stomach go away. They all said you have to scream uncontrollably and they take you to this sucking device. I stare at the white ceiling and then let out a big scream, MAKE MY BELLY STOP!!! SOMEONE. No one came. One of them said you have to kick your legs and bang your arms simultaneous with the screaming. So I tried again. Kicking, screaming and banging my arms, a short person approached. She said Blah blah blah, picked me up and took me away. After getting transported away I forgot to ask why they make weird noises. Arriving at my destination, I reencounter the person I was attached to. I am offered a bottle or this pink and skin colored device. I grab both. The bottle hard, the pink/skin colored thing warm and soft. The pink thing appears more comforting and so automatically my mouth opens and I bite it. A tenuous liquid trickles into my mouth, warm and filling. The feeling in my belly stops. Later I am taken back to my soft padded chamber and fall asleep. Once I awake I ask my new friends why the giants make weird sounds. One replied, “no one knows”. I get that feeling in my stomach again and so run the call. A lady comes and takes me to my feasting area.
This went on for 3 more days. On the fourth day I was taken to a new feeding area, however they didn’t feed me. I noticed I wasn’t taken to the person that I was joined to. A small crowd with smiles on their faces all looking at me. I’m forced into this woman’s arms as they try to take me away. This didn’t feel right, all I could hear was blah blah blah. They gave me a bottle and didn’t even offer the warm soft liquid machine. I start screaming but nothing is done. I feel cold, in an unknown place strangers all around me. We are heading for an exit, I knew I didn’t belong with these strangers, so I tried to think of a plan. We were heading past my old feeding area, I look in and see the lady I was attached to. She was lonely, I somehow knew that I was supposed to be with her. I rock my transportation device side to side till it falls. I scream as loud as I could, pointing my arms at the lady. she came over and so did the nurse. The lady started yelling and then they all started yelling. Were they hungry? All I could here was blah blah blah, but somehow I heard the words, “he is my son, I love him and he belongs to me”, come from the lady I was attached to. The yelling stopped, the lady picked me up. This was better, a feeling of warmth, comfortability and belonging.
i know the quality isn't the best, but that's y i do standard english.
could u please tell me how to make it better and if u feel a new paragraph needs to go in there somewhere please say so.
thankyou
Belonging
Title: A strange world. Or Into the world
Yeww, yeah! Into the world I come. I open my eyes to see two people staring at me in awe. One of them I seem to be attached to by a wrangled reddish chord. The air brushing past on my bottom, the red goo on me drying up. A tall person in a white coat started drying me with a soft fabric. Then ‘snip’, I was free. The person I was attached to was sweating and puffing, while the other person, a hairy fella’ lifted me over to him. A question struck me, why do they make weird sounds. Blah Blah Blah, what are they saying? I keep trying to communicate with them but all they ever do is hug me like something is wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with me, its them making the weird noises. I decide its time to escape, but find movement is very limited. Whoa I cant control my legs and arms. Look at them, kicking and swinging uncontrollably. I attempt to calm them but a blanket wraps around me. Weeee I’m flying, look, look, everybody, look at me fly. I turn a corner, how did I do that? I enter into a room full of other minions like myself. I told them to look at me fly. One replied “sorry kid but your being carried, look behind you”. I turn my head in disappointment to observe the tall man in the white coat place me in this soft padded container. This chamber I was in was slightly bigger than the chamber I had spent my last 9 months in. Left alone to defend for myself, I gain a sudden feeling in my stomach, it keeps growing, eventually my belly tries to talk however is left with a rumble instead. Instinct tells me to put my thumb in my mouth. I do so and discover a tantalizing taste. It tastes so good I can’t stop sucking. An hour passes and the taste has dulled down, jaw sore, I ask one of the fellow minions how to make the feeling in my stomach go away. They all said you have to scream uncontrollably and they take you to this sucking device. I stare at the white ceiling and then let out a big scream, MAKE MY BELLY STOP!!! SOMEONE. No one came. One of them said you have to kick your legs and bang your arms simultaneous with the screaming. So I tried again. Kicking, screaming and banging my arms, a short person approached. She said Blah blah blah, picked me up and took me away. After getting transported away I forgot to ask why they make weird noises. Arriving at my destination, I reencounter the person I was attached to. I am offered a bottle or this pink and skin colored device. I grab both. The bottle hard, the pink/skin colored thing warm and soft. The pink thing appears more comforting and so automatically my mouth opens and I bite it. A tenuous liquid trickles into my mouth, warm and filling. The feeling in my belly stops. Later I am taken back to my soft padded chamber and fall asleep. Once I awake I ask my new friends why the giants make weird sounds. One replied, “no one knows”. I get that feeling in my stomach again and so run the call. A lady comes and takes me to my feasting area.
This went on for 3 more days. On the fourth day I was taken to a new feeding area, however they didn’t feed me. I noticed I wasn’t taken to the person that I was joined to. A small crowd with smiles on their faces all looking at me. I’m forced into this woman’s arms as they try to take me away. This didn’t feel right, all I could hear was blah blah blah. They gave me a bottle and didn’t even offer the warm soft liquid machine. I start screaming but nothing is done. I feel cold, in an unknown place strangers all around me. We are heading for an exit, I knew I didn’t belong with these strangers, so I tried to think of a plan. We were heading past my old feeding area, I look in and see the lady I was attached to. She was lonely, I somehow knew that I was supposed to be with her. I rock my transportation device side to side till it falls. I scream as loud as I could, pointing my arms at the lady. she came over and so did the nurse. The lady started yelling and then they all started yelling. Were they hungry? All I could here was blah blah blah, but somehow I heard the words, “he is my son, I love him and he belongs to me”, come from the lady I was attached to. The yelling stopped, the lady picked me up. This was better, a feeling of warmth, comfortability and belonging.
