Here are some rules for customers when they come through checkouts at a Coles.
1. If I ask for Fly Buys don't tell me that you don't have wings and proceed to flap your arms like a wanker. Your NOT funny!
2. If I ask for Fly Buys and you don't have them, DO NOT tell me they are a rip off, and that nobody ever gets anything - they do!
3. Tell me that you have green bags BEFORE I start packing in plastic. Don't then expect me to unpack the goods in plastic and re-pack them into your bags. It holds you and the next customer up, and it shits me.
4. If I ask for ID when you use your credit card, don't grumble to me. If you fuking signed your card and the slip correctly I wouldn't need to.
5. If you want to purchase cigarettes and I ask for ID just show me - don't grumble you douch bags. I'm not risking a fine for any of you fuckers.
6. If I ask for ID and you are underage, don't give me crap that its in your car and that you'll be back in a minute. Just say you don't have any and leave.
7. NO, we don't have a small bag, its one size fits all. Anyway, why do you want a bag for your fuckin Coke, when your going to drink it when you leave the store anyway.
8. If you want a refund on a product, just give me a SHORT one sentence response. I don't need to know that there was a blackout at your house and your torch batteries went flat last night. Your husband left for work early so you didn't get a chance to tell him that you would get batteries, so both you and he bought batteries. All you need to say is that it isn't required!
9. Check what mother fuckin light bulb base you need. DON'T buy a screw in one, then come back the next day and get all upset because YOU bought the wrong one.
10. Don't tell me that you checked your eggs, because chances are you didn't.
11. Don't tell me how to handle your bread. I know how. And FYI bread isn't going to self distruct if my fingers are one micron over from when you wanted me to place then on your fuckin loaf.
12. Just because you can read my name badge doesn't mean that you know me.
13. And don't ask me if I like my name, my name is Peter, its hardly unique.
14. For Christ's sake WAIT until the pinpad says "Swipe / Insert Card". Don't swipe it ten times then give me a dirty look when it doesn't work.
15. Just because you have to wait a minute at the cigarette kiosk is no reason to get all shitty. It's not like you actually have a life.
16. If I ask you for a plastic bag, give me a quick answer. Don't say, "Yeah OK,... no wait, no I don't think so... no wait, I better have one."
17. If you accept a plastic bag I DO NOT want to know that you reuse it. I really don't care.
18. Don't come through my checkout all dressed up in your running / walking gear, and then tell me that you left your bags in the car. FUCKING GET THEM YOU LAZY COCKSUCKING SHITHEADS.
19. Breadcrumbs are down aisle five, halfway down, left hand side, bottom shelf. And don't tell me you looked there, because you didn't or else you would have seen them.
20. Don't try to pick up a conversation that we had last week - I serve hundreds of customers a week so I don't remember, and trust me you're no more special that anybody else.
21. There are dividers on checkouts for a reason. Don't:
a. lean right over and stick your arm on the belt where your things begin.
b. shout out 'UH, UH, UH!!!!' and pointing if I start scanning your things with the previous order. Use the fukin divider next time fukwit.
c. watch me scan the next customers goods with your order for a good minute, then tell me they are not yours.
22. DO NOT come it 20 minutes after we have closed and tell me that you only "want to get one thing". You WON'T be let in... unless Athina is standing guard by the door.
23. Don't lick your fingers then touch the money, money is digusting enough without your wet saliva on it.
24. Keep a record of how much is left on your gift card, because it shits me off when you don't know.
25. When I go, "Hi, how are you?" your response should be "good thanks, and you", NOT:
a. not good, I just lost my job.
b. Sad, I just came from a funeral.
c. I have bags.
d. The bread is one dollar.
26. Yes, I can see the bread has been reduced. There is no need to make grunting noises while pointing at it. I'm not blind.
27. If I ask for Fly Buys don't tell me that you've got them but theres no point in using them because you never get anywhere - HELLO?!?!?!?! If you don't use your card then of course you won't get anywhere mother fuckers.
28. No, I am not greek.
29. Teenage guys: don't try to hide your condom purchases amongst other items because I always make sure that they stay on the belt for a minute after I have scanned them to cause embarrassment to you.
30. I don't care if the price of cigarettes went up by 20 cents over night. Go somewhere else, or STOP SMOKING.
31. Don't ask me the price of each item. Do you see that big glowing screen in front of you. It actually tells you what I have scanned and the prices.
32. When shopping with your mother, I don't fucking care who pays. Make up your fucking mind, and don't both of you push money in my face... its RUDE!
33. Don't tell me that you have been waiting in the express queue for five minutes to purchase one item... and yet you still don't have your money ready.
34. When swiping your cards, please be careful so as not to take out my eye.
35. Shut you're kids up... I swear or else I am going to shove a fuckin divider into their eye and give them something to really cry about.
36. YOU'RE NOT FUNNY