Narrative (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter aliwonga
- Start date
umm no offense buy your story is terrible, there really is nothing in here that would generate any type of high range mark. you need to be more descriptive and emphasize on the things that relate to belonging as well as learn to say things in a more sophisticated manner. and also come up with a completely different ending; i was actually rewriting this story and changed it up a bit to suit me. the immediate direction i went in this is to the idea that with all this love and modern technology and impressive cars and whatnot that there is still something missing; perhaps the old life that he/she left behind? so you could start your story off like you have; embracing the new world but then maybe you could change its direction throughout to the person reminscing about their old life and how they miss it etc, that this new fancy place is nothing compared to your old cosy house back home with the warm, loving care of your parents. Just an idea for you. I've edited the first few paragraphs for you to give you an idea of how to improve your language but it's just a start and may not be that great but at least it should help you abit ( i wrote it at like 1 am so yeah). hope it helps=]
As I walked down the gate of the Sydney Airport to the pickup area I searched desperately for my uncle among the sea of heads that danced around the terminal, rather hard when I had no idea what he looked like. There were so many people coming and going, it was hard to distinguish who was looking at me or looking at the person behind me, it was like looking for an invisible needle in a haystack. I almost gave up as I took a rest on the inviting chair beside me until suddenly I heard a youthful, vibrant voice call out my name. “Sarah!” the energetic voice repeated. I looked up from my earlier forlorn attempt to gratefully see a man in his thirties coming towards me; half walking, half jogging in a brown suit with the delightedly charming poker-dot tie and a great big grin on his half shaven face
“uh...Hello uncle?” I discretionally said, smiling politely at him.
“Just call me Tom,” he frivolously responded as he took note of my striking resemblance to my father. He gathered my luggage and like all good uncles offered to carry it. I examined the airport around us; it was so huge and futuristic. It was so strange to be in another place, a place which looked nothing like my homeland, yet at the same time felt gently inviting. Uncle Tom took my luggage on the trolley and we protruded outside where we were met by my uncles magnificent blue automobile which mocked my parents little old station wagon. He gently placed my luggage into the boot of the car and in moments we were off to a place called Kingstree.
As I walked down the gate of the Sydney Airport to the pickup area I searched desperately for my uncle among the sea of heads that danced around the terminal, rather hard when I had no idea what he looked like. There were so many people coming and going, it was hard to distinguish who was looking at me or looking at the person behind me, it was like looking for an invisible needle in a haystack. I almost gave up as I took a rest on the inviting chair beside me until suddenly I heard a youthful, vibrant voice call out my name. “Sarah!” the energetic voice repeated. I looked up from my earlier forlorn attempt to gratefully see a man in his thirties coming towards me; half walking, half jogging in a brown suit with the delightedly charming poker-dot tie and a great big grin on his half shaven face
“uh...Hello uncle?” I discretionally said, smiling politely at him.
“Just call me Tom,” he frivolously responded as he took note of my striking resemblance to my father. He gathered my luggage and like all good uncles offered to carry it. I examined the airport around us; it was so huge and futuristic. It was so strange to be in another place, a place which looked nothing like my homeland, yet at the same time felt gently inviting. Uncle Tom took my luggage on the trolley and we protruded outside where we were met by my uncles magnificent blue automobile which mocked my parents little old station wagon. He gently placed my luggage into the boot of the car and in moments we were off to a place called Kingstree.
Thanks but that was so LATE (2 days b4 HSC eng paper 1)! Sorry but I didn't get to see your comment back then. Anyways, thank you for correcting some things and rewriting. That was beautifully written 
u must be in advanced =/
anyways good luck in yours
u must be in advanced =/ anyways good luck in yours