Module C Feedback (1 Viewer)

[mcchamp]

G'day team,

Any chance someone could look at my discursive? My teacher's not sending me anything and I would appreciate feedback from anyone rn.

Cheers.

 

[mcchamp]

hi i had a read through. i like the main concept, but i think youre drowning it out a LOT in the fight club analogy, without necessarily creating much meaning. I think the analogy is quite interesting, and would consider adding more meaningful parallels (e.g. the stronger, cooler version of the narrator gets the girl, the more masculine version of the narrator is considered "better" etc).
i think you need to get into it earlier. a discursive doesnt really have a structure, but it does still have a bit of a thesis, which you dont really have.
additionally, the language is really poor. flick through some websites and choose some good, longer words just to add some complexity as right now it has a very conversational tone.
also, id talk about yourself less. i know anecdote is a technique, but too much of it just sounds like youre writing a diary.
finally, hate to say this one, but the english markers will be 99% female, and might not fully get the fight club thing, or might just be a bit bored by another teenage guy writing about fight club and toxic masculinity.
it also seems quite short, probably too short for a 20 marker.
regardless if it was out of 20, id assume this would sit in a low B/high C range

Appreciate that so much. Thanks for the brutally honest critique I appreciate it.

 

[mcchamp]

hi i had a read through. i like the main concept, but i think youre drowning it out a LOT in the fight club analogy, without necessarily creating much meaning. I think the analogy is quite interesting, and would consider adding more meaningful parallels (e.g. the stronger, cooler version of the narrator gets the girl, the more masculine version of the narrator is considered "better" etc).
i think you need to get into it earlier. a discursive doesnt really have a structure, but it does still have a bit of a thesis, which you dont really have.
additionally, the language is really poor. flick through some websites and choose some good, longer words just to add some complexity as right now it has a very conversational tone.
also, id talk about yourself less. i know anecdote is a technique, but too much of it just sounds like youre writing a diary.
finally, hate to say this one, but the english markers will be 99% female, and might not fully get the fight club thing, or might just be a bit bored by another teenage guy writing about fight club and toxic masculinity.
it also seems quite short, probably too short for a 20 marker.
regardless if it was out of 20, id assume this would sit in a low B/high C range

Just on the feedback about the length of the discursive, how many words do you think I should write on a 15 marker for example?

 

[mcchamp]

id try think about mod c being 800-900 words overall.
(for mod b and a youre more likely to be aiming for 900-1100, but mod c you actually have to think about what youre writing)
so if it was a 15 marker, probably 600-650.

Any chance you could look at this new discursive? Assume it's about 12 marks.