Major Work draft. Opinions? (1 Viewer)

[Abbeygale]

My Major Work is due the Friday of the first week back. This is my second draft- my teacher said the first draft was too much 2 unit. At this point I'm still not sure if its three unit enough, I tend to slip into narrative when I'm stuck.

I'm aware of two of the more obvious problems- its not long enough, and the footnoting isn't done properly, but I'll be able to fix that on my own.

I'll admit this really wasn't written with a specific question in mind. The topic is Catherine de Medici, and the extent to which the Massacre of St Bartholomew was premeditated, and the motivations behind it.

 

[xeuyrawp]

My Major Work is due the Friday of the first week back. This is my second draft- my teacher said the first draft was too much 2 unit. At this point I'm still not sure if its three unit enough, I tend to slip into narrative when I'm stuck.

I'm aware of two of the more obvious problems- its not long enough, and the footnoting isn't done properly, but I'll be able to fix that on my own.

I'll admit this really wasn't written with a specific question in mind. The topic is Catherine de Medici, and the extent to which the Massacre of St Bartholomew was premeditated, and the motivations behind it.

Heya, it's generally good. Things that could be improved:

Your introductory sentence about "few images have been as vast as" is terrible. I know this sounds petty, but that sentence could be applied to anything. I think it's important to make an impact in the first sentence; perhaps use a bold quote or something?

You jump into evidence in the opening para, which is generally not a good idea; try to be more general and outline the general views of the lady.

Something else- this is more of an english point, but it makes an impression. If you're talking about someone or something, the first instant of the paragraph will always start with the name of the person; the last name is sufficient. Then you can move onto alternatings of the name and "she", depending on the sentences. But yes, "she" only comes after you've said the name once before in the para

The second paragraph seems to be a good bit of introduction as well, but could you condense it with the first paragraph? I mean, generally one introductory para is what is expected.

The essay needs a bit more evidence, using a wider range of historians would also be good. You said you'd fix up the referencing yourself, if you need any help, yell.

The conclusion is pretty good, just needs fleshing out...

You also need to define your question a bit more, and explicitly refer to it in the introductory sentences, introduction, and conclusion.

 

[invoiced]

i think its really good,
you just need to work more on actaully answering the question
i also think your topic is a bit wide, some areas need to be narrowed down on further. at the expense of others
however, overall. pretty good

 

[swandive]

PwarYuex and anyone else would you be able to read mine?

 

[xeuyrawp]

PwarYuex and anyone else would you be able to read mine?

Heya- it's pretty good overall.

Something that you need to be careful of is "telling a story", which you do a bit at times. This is annoying because your essay is very good, but is hindered by some story telling. An example of this would be the para starting with "The 1945-1949 Communist-Nationalist", which has a very good idea in it (change of historiography), but is part of narrative, if that makes sense. A good way to get around this is to literally start your opening sentence of each para with the sentence focussing on the idea, not the time. This would mean, most of the time, just re-ordering the wording in your sentences. Try something like "The Communist-Nationalist shift in 1945 to 1949 led to ... " etc. I know it sounds petty, but telling a narrative, even of historiography, isn't a good idea.

I don't know what's happening with your referencing, but check how your school likes it. Generally, text names are given in italics, not bold. Quotations aren't italicised, ever. If the quotation is longer than 3 or 4 lines, you indent the whole thing, and can get rid of quotation marks- but this is a choice thing.

The whole making the boarders thinner is a bit odd, I mean, do you really want to be saving paper on your HSC major work? A marker generally won't appreciate having to squish in his/her writing; hence double spacing. Again, check with your school.

All-in-all, a pretty good work. You just have to explictly be careful to not start a sentence with a time frame, but rather with an historical analysis or an idea.

 

[Abbeygale]

Hey, thanks a lot.

One question- when referring to her by name, should I use 'Catherine' or her last name? I wasn't sure which was better, as 'Medici' is a pretty well known family name, and applies to a few historical figures. Historians generally use her first name. It seems like a pretty petty point to be concerned over, but impressions and all...

I'm not sure how I would go about narrowing it further. The parts seem sort of inextricable to me, but that's probably because I can't see it impartially.

 

[swandive]

You just have to explictly be careful to not start a sentence with a time frame, but rather with an historical analysis or an idea.

ahh thankyou thats a really good point

 

[xeuyrawp]

I'm not sure how I would go about narrowing it further. The parts seem sort of inextricable to me, but that's probably because I can't see it impartially.

Maybe look at how historians divide up chapters/ideas about her?

Use her last name, that's always a good bet. But like I said, you alternate between "she/her" and "Medici"