Just Got Out of a Long Relationship & Now I Have Questions (1 Viewer)

[ur_inner_child]

Okay be serious, as I feel a little bit out of the loop with the dating shit compared to everyone else.

Last time I was single I was 16. Seriously. Kissing a new person recently is like the weirdest sensation. So I just wanna ask...

1. What exactly is so frightening about being in a relationship? What are they? I SERIOUSLY don't know. Since I've only been in one, I associate the negative stuff with the actual person, not the "being in a relationship" factor. If you say "being tied down", well I don't get it. If you think she's funny and good looking, is it that you just don't like her enough to be faithful to only her?

This couple I know hang out together heaps, have fun, sleep with each other, and have been doing so for the last 2 years. They get shitty if the other is unfaithful, but he'll insist "no, she's not my girlfriend". What the fuck?

2. If a girl became recently single after a five year relationship, and you've liked her for a year and you made it known to her, to your mates and everyone around... would you be intimidated by where her mindset is? If she comes out with you, you go out with her, sleep with each other, etc, what would you be thinking? Would you feel like a rebound? How will you ever see yourselves pan out?

When should I ask him what he wants from me without potentially scaring the fuck out of him? ie Relationship wise? Or should I just enjoy myself and let him make the moves when he feels ready? Or do you think HE is the one waiting for me to feel ready?

3.

oh he wants a relationship, I'm still like "maybe".

cuzlykyeah

Note: do not. It seems like it'll be awesome and be comfortable and awesome and different.

Do NOT. Do NOT.

Because your head isn't straight and it'll have serious impacts on the relationship. Chill out, get out of it and just relax for like a year or two. Get your head straight and then dive into one if it fancies you.

Why is it wrong of me to "jump into another relationship" within a year or two after my five year relationship? Why would I have a fucked up mindset about what I want? If anything, don't I have MORE of an idea of what I want if I just left this other guy?

I'm not like stressing out about it. I can happily just go back to what I have with this new guy without giving a shit about the future, but its all out of curiousity here...

 

[Riet]

I think it's a bit silly, but whatever. Why not just take it real slow with the new guy so you can actually just do whatever the hell you want without worrying at all about a significant other.

 

[tommykins]

1. What exactly is so frightening about being in a relationship? What are they? I SERIOUSLY don't know. Since I've only been in one, I associate the negative stuff with the actual person, not the "being in a relationship" factor. If you say "being tied down", well I don't get it. If you think she's funny and good looking, is it that you just don't like her enough to be faithful to only her?

I believe the issue is that guys, in my context at least, are looking out simply for a root. Sure, you can be good looking, have a nice personality and all - but at the end of the day, we want a root, or the chance for a root. We're pretty reluctant to start a relationship because some other girl can come along, OR we'd prefer to stay single as to make sure we're presented with all options/can sleep around without being accused of cheating.

This couple I know hang out together heaps, have fun, sleep with each other, and have been doing so for the last 2 years. They get shitty if the other is unfaithful, but if he will insist to me "no, she's not my girlfriend". What the fuck?

Seems like very close fuck buddies? I'm not quite sure.

2. If a girl became recently single after a five year relationship, and you've liked her for a year and you made it known to her, to your mates and everyone around... would you be intimidated by where her mindset is? If she comes out with you, you go out with her, sleep with each other, etc, what would you be thinking? Would you feel like a rebound? How will you ever see yourselves pan out?

Personally, I wouldn't think of me being the rebound (even if it were, I wouldn't) but more so, she's 'seen the light' and is now with the 'right man'. Of course, if you've liked her for a year, you'd want to do your best to show how you're different and how you're serious etc. etc. Sometimes it can be solely because you waited a year for this, but sometimes it is sincere. Hard to decipher.

When should I ask him what he wants from me without potentially scaring the fuck out of him? ie Relationship wise? Or should I just enjoy myself and let him make the moves when he feels ready? Or do you think HE is the one waiting for me to feel ready?

I don't know, it differs from guy to guy. For me, I express interest in a relationship subtley, saying random stuff like - "man, we'd be an awesome couple if it weren't for you being so [whatever here]" or if I intro her to a friend,a nd the friend asks if we're dating - I say "dating? No! I love her like a little sister".

Basically for me, I tease alot. I think you can 'suggest' you want a further step by subtlely touching him innocently and escalate, if things turn out fine - your stance is established.

Why is it wrong of me to "jump into another relationship" within a year or two after my five year relationship? Why would I have a fucked up mindset about what I want? If anything, don't I have MORE of an idea of what I want if I just left this other guy?

It's not wrong, it's only your ability to handle the situation. If you're able to move on and handle it well within a short period of time, dont listen to others who say "wow she's moving on already?". But although I do advise you to think about the opinions of your VERY close mates, because often emotional states blind rationality, you may think you've moved on, but say you date your new guy and you still miss your previous lover - it's not your fault you miss him, you can't control it, but it is indeed slack to the 'new guy' as he's done nothing wrong to warrant your say - incomplete faithfulness.

 

[ur_inner_child]

Of course I'll go real slow. I'm not aching for us to be faithful, otherwise we would be when he first asked me to about a month ago..

Just started thinking about it conceptually recently. I guess I really shouldn't otherwise I become one of THOSE girls that get a bit possessive.

 

[Captin gay]

shutup u asian. the problems of asians dont count

 

[ur_inner_child]

I believe the issue is that guys, in my context at least, are looking out simply for a root. Sure, you can be good looking, have a nice personality and all - but at the end of the day, we want a root, or the chance for a root. We're pretty reluctant to start a relationship because some other girl can come along, OR we'd prefer to stay single as to make sure we're presented with all options/can sleep around without being accused of cheating.

Seems like very close fuck buddies? I'm not quite sure.

Personally, I wouldn't think of me being the rebound (even if it were, I wouldn't) but more so, she's 'seen the light' and is now with the 'right man'. Of course, if you've liked her for a year, you'd want to do your best to show how you're different and how you're serious etc. etc. Sometimes it can be solely because you waited a year for this, but sometimes it is sincere. Hard to decipher.

I don't know, it differs from guy to guy. For me, I express interest in a relationship subtley, saying random stuff like - "man, we'd be an awesome couple if it weren't for you being so [whatever here]" or if I intro her to a friend,a nd the friend asks if we're dating - I say "dating? No! I love her like a little sister".

Basically for me, I tease alot. I think you can 'suggest' you want a further step by subtlely touching him innocently and escalate, if things turn out fine - your stance is established.


It's not wrong, it's only your ability to handle the situation. If you're able to move on and handle it well within a short period of time, dont listen to others who say "wow she's moving on already?". But although I do advise you to think about the opinions of your VERY close mates, because often emotional states blind rationality, you may think you've moved on, but say you date your new guy and you still miss your previous lover - it's not your fault you miss him, you can't control it, but it is indeed slack to the 'new guy' as he's done nothing wrong to warrant your say - incomplete faithfulness.

fuck that helped massively.

 

[Riet]

The argument I'd make for staying single for a while is that, even if you do like this new guy you should try being single for a proper while anyway. Who knows, you may like it just as much, or find someone even better who'd you'd ignore otherwise.

 

[tommykins]

Also, for 1. I'd advise you not to take it personally. If a guy is reluctant to start a relationship, it's not because you're shit or he's found a better person, it's just that he thinks it's POSSIBLE to find another person. It's hard to comprehend (for guys at least) that the relationship closes doors to other girls which may have huge potential - because let's face it, reality is, with the social networks nowadays, you and me would probably be able to name a handful of people that we could consider as being 'good partners'.

 

[brainwashed39]

i wouldn't say waiting years is a good idea before you go back into the dating game but i'd advise like a month probably. there are a few reasons for this:
1. i'm not saying this is the case for you, but some people like their ruts, or grow clingy attachments to the idea of having a girlfriend/boyfriend that drive them to go out and grab the next random that comes their way just to not be single/alone (eg. my ex bf) and if you think you might have the urge to start dating for the wrong reasons i think it's best to refrain for a while.
2. i personally think you appreciate a new relationship more if you have had some time being single and what-not, especially as newly-found singledom offers the oppertunity to learn more about yourself and the like, therefore better at choosing the right new man/woman for you.

as for iguring out where you both stnd in terms of the future.. i know this doesn't work for some but i believe if it's going somewhere good you'll eventually become comfortable enough to just say.. "let's be frank and open, where is this going/ where do you want it to go?" because if that's gonna scare him away, you were tredding on eggshells anyway and so it was kinda inevitable.

i think with people's fear of relationships... well, in the cases where it's not "i just want a root" the problem, i think, is fear of the unknown.. for me, the idea that relationships either end in death or breakup kinda scares me. even if it lasts for 5 years, or 50 years, eventually you will either split or one or both of you will die. and though my enthusiasm for the new person usually wins out i can see how for many the thought "this can only end in tears, how do i know it'll be worth it?" could potentially hold them back.

 

[Davo1111]

1. What exactly is so frightening about being in a relationship?

commitment, time and money. Sometimes people don't want to get involved in order not to screw with emotions.

If you say "being tied down", well I don't get it.

I think people say that because they just don't feel like having a commitment at that stage, maybe they have other priorities? Maybe they want to focus on something else/other goals? I think it's good if they tell you that, because they're being honest with you - rather than lying about it or committing to something they don't want.

If you think she's funny and good looking, is it that you just don't like her enough to be faithful to only her?

I don't understand, i wouldn't get into a relationship if i wasn't going to be faithful. If i was in a relationship, and it was falling apart to the point where it just wasn't going to work, then i'd pull the plug. Being un-faithful is just stupid, and a poor taste in character

2. If a girl became recently single after a five year relationship, and you've liked her for a year and you made it known to her, to your mates and everyone around... would you be intimidated by where her mindset is?

I know what you're aiming at here. I'd wait it out for a bit*, see how she is and help her out if need be. After a while, if we felt close, and it was working out, then yeah i'd ask her out. But i'd take it slowly.

*there isn't really a time frame, just till you are completely over the relationship, and feel it's time to move on. don't worry you will know when that's the case, you'll just feel it.

When should I ask him what he wants from me without potentially scaring the fuck out of him? ie Relationship wise? Or should I just enjoy myself and let him make the moves when he feels ready? Or do you think HE is the one waiting for me to feel ready?

I think you will probably just 'feel' the time when it's right. That sounds really soppy, but i think if you guys talk, and you feel close, you'll feel that connection and you'll know its right.

Why is it wrong of me to "jump into another relationship" within a year or two after my five year relationship?

a year? wow, no there is no 'morning period'. Just move on with your life, and see where things take you. I wouldn't jump on a relationship chance really quickly, just in case its a rebound (see * comment above)

Why would I have a fucked up mindset about what I want? If anything, don't I have MORE of an idea of what I want if I just left this other guy?

I suppose so, you'll have more ideas of what characteristics you like and dislike in people. A new person might have neither of those (could be completely different), just gotta take it with a grain of salt and see how it goes.

I'm not like stressing out about it. I can happily just go back to what I have with this new guy without giving a shit about the future, but its all out of curiosity here...

Like i said, give it time, talk, and well if it feels right then go for it.

gl

 

[Serius]

I should probably wait a while before writing this because ive just been doing a massive essay on somethign similiar and iam tired. but ill give u the general idea.

Basically do what feels right. If your previous relationship, like the end of it was bad and emotionally draining you should give yourself time to recover from that. Be with this guy if it makes you happy, but dont commit to anything just yet.


Give yourself time to find out who you are. You havent been single since 16 remember, alot has changed about you since then. Work out what this is, work out what your life goals are, how you feel about certain topics [ a good start is think about exercise and being fit, mortality, the kind of person you could marry, careers and your future in general]


1. relationships are scary. Theres so many superfical things i can point at like loss of freedom, no more going out on the town with the boys, going to the beach to check out girls but basically it boils down to it isnt just you anymore. You have to take into consideration someone else, someone elses feelings, emotions, wants and needs. If you dont feel like going to their shithead friends birthday dinner you suck it up and go anyway to make your partner happy. Stuff like that. Commitment is scary[especially for guys]

2. Yes the thought that i might be a rebound would definitely occur to me, she knows i want her, she knows she can just grab me and there ya go, easy rebound. I would be hoping she respects me, as a friend atleast, more than that so that iam not just being used, and so i would risk it anyway in the hope that something comes of it. If not, then atleast i tried.

You could try communication, just talk to him, guys arent as scared of talking as girls seem to think. You probably should just enjoy yourself, or let him know you are just going to take things slow and see what he says about it.

3. Its ok if you are ready, but you might just think you are, if you have any unresolved feelings or conflict or business or anything then you shouldnt jump in with someone else, it isnt fair on them. I am sure you are mature enough to know that you are ready though, so go for it if you want, just be careful and look after yourself emotionally. Dont put yourself in a bad place, because where you are at now, its easy to end up there.

 

[Blazamane]

fuck that helped massively.

I admire your dedication I read the first line and fuck me he was talking shit...

 

[Mongoosedog]

Okay be serious, as I feel a little bit out of the loop with the dating shit compared to everyone else.

Last time I was single I was 16. Seriously. Kissing a new person recently is like the weirdest sensation. So I just wanna ask...

1. What exactly is so frightening about being in a relationship? What are they? I SERIOUSLY don't know. Since I've only been in one, I associate the negative stuff with the actual person, not the "being in a relationship" factor. If you say "being tied down", well I don't get it. If you think she's funny and good looking, is it that you just don't like her enough to be faithful to only her?

This couple I know hang out together heaps, have fun, sleep with each other, and have been doing so for the last 2 years. They get shitty if the other is unfaithful, but he'll insist "no, she's not my girlfriend". What the fuck?

2. If a girl became recently single after a five year relationship, and you've liked her for a year and you made it known to her, to your mates and everyone around... would you be intimidated by where her mindset is? If she comes out with you, you go out with her, sleep with each other, etc, what would you be thinking? Would you feel like a rebound? How will you ever see yourselves pan out?

When should I ask him what he wants from me without potentially scaring the fuck out of him? ie Relationship wise? Or should I just enjoy myself and let him make the moves when he feels ready? Or do you think HE is the one waiting for me to feel ready?

3.



Why is it wrong of me to "jump into another relationship" within a year or two after my five year relationship? Why would I have a fucked up mindset about what I want? If anything, don't I have MORE of an idea of what I want if I just left this other guy?

I'm not like stressing out about it. I can happily just go back to what I have with this new guy without giving a shit about the future, but its all out of curiousity here...

look, just take the pill, then if you get used you wont get pregnant. its that simple

 

[lala2]

I'm sorry that your relationship has ended. I know it doesn't help, but I know couples who keep their relationships under wraps. One of those couples involve a fucking creep who's cheating on his girlfriend emotionally by staring at me all the time. Yet both deny it, so the question is...is it just him that's denying her existence as his gf? Or does she do the same to him? If it's just him, then he might just be using her. If it's mutual, then they probably want to keep it under wraps.

I don't know what I'd do if I were in your crush's situation. Probably wait and see because five years is a lot to be getting over. Then again, I'm a girl, maybe guys think differently.

If you know that you're completely over your previous relationship and that you aren't using this new guy as a rebound, I don't think you should feel guilty about entering a new relationship so soon. A year is a long time--it only seems very short because you've been in a relationship far longer than that.

 

[chicky_pie]

If it doesn't work out in a new relationship, you can always go to your ex-boyfriend.

 

[Davo1111]

If it doesn't work out in a new relationship, you can always go to your ex-boyfriend.

I advise against this.