fOR3V3RPINKKKK said:
ok i will ummm
but anyway heres the link:
sorry i haven't replied yet. I went offline to do some studying (hooray, i did another hour and half)
i think your analysis of the texts is fine, as well as your ideas. The main thing i would suggest is just editing the language. I agree with what the others said about the "firstly, secondly, in conclusion." You don't really need them to indicate where your essay is going and i think it actually detracts from the flow of your essay. Play around with the way you phrase certain sentences, sometimes there are clearer ways to explain things. Also, your language feels more like a formal speech than a formal essay in a lot of places, so again, it's just trying to choose the right words. If you make the language just that bit more sophisticated, i think it will be fine. [i'm seriously repeating myself here...]
It's a bit, or rather, very long... i don't think you'd be able to write that much. The introduction and conclusion are pretty lengthy- i don't think you need to go into that much detail because that's what you explore in your essay.
If you have the time and i suggest you try an integrated approach, but bear in mind that this is the harder way to write your essay, so if it doesn't work for you, probably stop...
It basically requires you to make one point, eg. the way journeys challenge us, and then delve into the ways these are explored in all your texts.
So it would be structured something like this:
Journeys challenge us blah blah...
Then you would refer to the relevant points from your text
eg. this is illustrated through the technique of BLAH in the text BLAH.
You would then move on to another point.
Although journeys challenge us, they result in growth blah blah...
Then you would refer to things from your texts which demonstrate this concept.
I think if you do the integrated approach, your essay with flow much better. However, if you try this and find it difficult (it can becomes scattered and you might lose focus), i would suggest simply making more explicit connections between the texts. At the moment, it seems a bit like "introduction, chunk 1, chunk 2." Discuss the first text as one block, and then the second text as one block, but when you talk about the second text, make some detailed references and comparisons to the previous texts, so it's "introduction, chunk 1, chunk 2 + drawing together chunk 1 and chunk 2" and then continue making these connections throughout the essay. I can see that you've said things like, "in the other texts," but i think you need to be more specific.
As I said before, the ideas and the analysis is really quite good. It's just that you haven't really mastered the expression of your ideas.
English is actually not one of my strengths either, so hopefully i haven't completely mislead you. And i'm sorry that i repeated myself so much. Anyway, i should probably get back to studying....
