Help! Standard English troubles :( Year 11 (1 Viewer)

[AlanDo]

Hi everybody,
I just would like to know your opinion/comment on my unfinished response. This is based on the thematic concerns of one of Bruce Bruce Dawe's poem (Weapons Training).
-How can I stop using "The" and "This"? (another replacement word/synonym)
-For some reason the passage doesn't seem "flow" (if you know what I mean), How could I fix this?
-Finally, What could I improve on?

Bruce Dawe satirises the military by keying out central ideas of warfare. The composer deliberately expresses his thoughts on war by using complex and manipulating colloquial language. This language is controlled by the dominating drill-sergeant which is evident from the first word of the poem, “And”. The conjunction conveys the sergeants’ enforcement of discipline which additionally creates a mindset of the seriousness of war. A combination of techniques also reveals the underlying themes of this poem. An Expletive and rhetorical question is employed to insult a vulnerable soldier. The instructor speaks, “are you a queer?”. This sexual rhetorical question immediately alerts the inattentive soldier. Overall the combination of techniques outlines the discipline involved in military training which ultimately leads to warfare.


Thanks for reading!!!!

 

[Jawa]

This is how I would tweak it:

Bruce Dawe satirises the military by keying out central ideas of warfare, evidently this expresses his thoughts on war, conveyed through complex and manipulating colloquial language. This language is controlled by the dominating drill-sergeant which is evident from the first word of the poem, “And”. This conjunction conveys the sergeants’ enforcement of discipline which additionally creates a notion of the seriousness of war. Further, A combination of techniques reveal the underlying themes of this poem NEED A SWEEPING SENTENCE FOR THE 'THEME'. An Expletive and rhetorical question is employed to insult a vulnerable soldier, “are you a queer?”. This sexual rhetorical question immediately alerts the inattentive soldier. Overall, the combination of techniques outlines the discipline involved in military training which ultimately leads to warfare.

Probably not the best, but adds a few conjunctions.