AntonTheswan
Emisary Of The Gorgonites
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Messages
- 110
- Gender
- Male
- HSC
- 2006
The funniest one line comedian since Jack handey. Enjoy.
I see cards that say 'Get Well Soon.' ...Fuck that. Get well now."
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
"I think they named the orange before the carrot."
"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'"
"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'"
"Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'"
"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such...a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out...and I have pants. Perfect!"
"I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable."
"I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees."
"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"
"I like parties, but I don't like piñatas. Because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did."
"My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork."
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh."
"Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
"They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time."
"Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown."
"I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job / girlfriend / pretzel."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fort-night.'"
"I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from really pretty girls who might want to have sex with you."
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying."
"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"
"I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying "oh, Steve's really a cat person". No he's not. If Steve were a cat person it'd be, like, "hey, Steve never goes in the pool".
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... nevermind"
I don't like when i go in a store and they call me "Boss" "Hey boss, can i help you boss" when they call me boss, i go "I got some bad news... i'm gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I'll give you severance, and give me the rest."
I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and i said "Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10?" and uh, he said "Okay" and then he went down stairs and he came back and he said "I don't have a 10, i have a 9" "Oh great, because, while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out, normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one i said, cause it goes with my body part, but given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you, you're re-hired cause you're a genius.
My friend had a burrito, the next day he said "That burrito did not agree with me" i was like "Was the disagreement over weather or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won" I tried to reason with it, i insisted, you know, i was like "I wanna go outside, i like these pants, but the burrito had his way."
Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal
I see cards that say 'Get Well Soon.' ...Fuck that. Get well now."
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
"I think they named the orange before the carrot."
"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'"
"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'"
"Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'"
"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such...a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out...and I have pants. Perfect!"
"I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable."
"I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees."
"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"
"I like parties, but I don't like piñatas. Because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did."
"My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork."
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh."
"Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
"They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time."
"Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown."
"I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job / girlfriend / pretzel."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fort-night.'"
"I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from really pretty girls who might want to have sex with you."
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying."
"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"
"I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying "oh, Steve's really a cat person". No he's not. If Steve were a cat person it'd be, like, "hey, Steve never goes in the pool".
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... nevermind"
I don't like when i go in a store and they call me "Boss" "Hey boss, can i help you boss" when they call me boss, i go "I got some bad news... i'm gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I'll give you severance, and give me the rest."
I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and i said "Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10?" and uh, he said "Okay" and then he went down stairs and he came back and he said "I don't have a 10, i have a 9" "Oh great, because, while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out, normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one i said, cause it goes with my body part, but given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you, you're re-hired cause you're a genius.
My friend had a burrito, the next day he said "That burrito did not agree with me" i was like "Was the disagreement over weather or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won" I tried to reason with it, i insisted, you know, i was like "I wanna go outside, i like these pants, but the burrito had his way."
Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal
