MedVision ad

creative writing (1 Viewer)

vigelante

New Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2005
Messages
11
Gender
Male
HSC
2005
this is it, can you help me make it better, im not sure it even relates to imaginary journeys.

Thanks

The flight over had been boring, and jeez the plane and the airport cam out of the 20’s or at least the 70’s. Not even an air-conditioned walkway to the air-conditioned baggage claim.
When they opened the rickety door the heat was a physical entity that sucked the air out of Abbeys lungs. They stood up and were pushed out the door by the throng of people all trying to get out the door at the same time. They were disgorged onto the asphalt and stood in a small cluster trying to figure out where their bags were.
They wandered over to the knot of humanity scrabbling for their bags.
‘How Rude!’ Abbey thought, her bag could get dirty, or something.

The Safari bus slammed off a rut in the road and Abbey dropped the cassette she was trying to fit in her Walkman.
“Look!” yelled her mum
Abbey glanced up and hit her head on the luggage rack as they went over another rut in the crappy road. “Oh great” she grumbled sarcastically “a bird”
“Not just any bird, a spotted-nectar-eater bird”
Abbey just rolled her eyes and pressed Play on her Walkman, why couldn’t they see any lions or cheetahs or elephants or something?
Just then the tour guide announced, “If you look to your right under the tree you will see some wildebeest, they are a common sight around here”
Abbey thought they just looked like furry cows with big heads, nothing special.

Later in the ‘hotel’, it was more like a shack with butlers, her parents asked her how she found the safari.
“It sucked. There were no REAL animals, only boring ones.” She replied “And my batteries died so I cant listen to music anymore, Africa sucks”
“Well you can stay home tomorrow while our father and I go out again,” her mother offered.

Abbey woke up and turned on the TV. It seemed like there was only one channel and it advertised the hotel they were in. ‘What’s the point of that?’ She wondered, ‘we’re already here so what's the point?’
So she set of in search of the pool that the TV had announced ‘Was the largest and cleanest in all of Karelong National Park’ apparently that meant something.

She was wondering how she was meant to live without music in her life when she realized she didn’t know where she was. She had somehow wandered out of the hotel complex in her dire contemplations of a music-less world.
She was startled by a mysterious “Hi” that made her jump. Startled she realized that the ‘mound of dirt’ by the tree was in fact a Zulu boy much younger than her, or at least a year anyway.
“Hi” she nervously answered, then; “I’m Abbey”
“I’m called Ndebele. Come” he said
Her mind full of ‘stranger danger’ and other such school slogans she nevertheless followed him through the scrub to an unknown and possibly dangerous fate, she didn’t care – her batteries were dead.
“This is my house” Ndebele announced, “Come to see”

When her parents got back in the evening she was watching TV again.
“So, did you watch TV all day?” enquired her father.
“Yeah” she replied, “no, wait, I met some guy called Ndebele and we played at his house, it was kinda cool”
“Ok so you don’t want to come on safari again tomorrow?” her mum deduced
“What?! Why not?” Abbey exclaimed. There are cool animals like antelope and giraffe’s to be seen, Ndebele said they were cool”
 

vigelante

New Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2005
Messages
11
Gender
Male
HSC
2005
are you serious?
are there really no poblems with my story and you dont have any comments to make?

or is it that you are all secretly plotting to steal it and use it yourselves???

i hate you all T_T nobody has even looked here, what did i do wrong?

lols jk jk. whatever, im using it anyway whether it is good or not
 
Joined
Jan 11, 2005
Messages
59
Location
NSW
Gender
Female
HSC
2005
You will be stuffed if they want it in a speech or another form and you have to refer to stimulus material.
 

wyndchymz

New Member
Joined
Nov 15, 2004
Messages
10
Location
Sydney
Gender
Female
HSC
2005
I would look at your grammar again. Use some full stops and commas; they show the reader when it's okay to breathe.
 

what971

Now in Oriental Flavour!
Joined
Aug 13, 2005
Messages
1,645
Gender
Female
HSC
N/A
You know that stories that people put up on the site will never be allowed to be used in the HSC right?? Probably 6,000 other students copying this right now. And then you'll have to make a new one.
 

positive

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2005
Messages
68
Location
Location: Location: Location:
Gender
Male
HSC
2005
what971 said:
You know that stories that people put up on the site will never be allowed to be used in the HSC right?? Probably 6,000 other students copying this right now. And then you'll have to make a new one.
The exam is in like 12 hours and so far there is only 7 views. He should be right :p
 

vigelante

New Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2005
Messages
11
Gender
Male
HSC
2005
yeah but i got 170 views sometime in the last 2 days so someone could have, i didnt even think of that, how stupid :S
 

what971

Now in Oriental Flavour!
Joined
Aug 13, 2005
Messages
1,645
Gender
Female
HSC
N/A
well. dont worry about it. its over now, thank god! on to the next exam i say!!
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 1)

Top