Belonging Short Story (1 Viewer)

[meeatu]

I'm not sure how to get the links to belonging across clearer or more obviously.

The idea behind it is that while walking back home from her night out, she isn't seen to belong - as everyone is staring at her, thinking bad about her, etc.

But as she runs over the memories of the night, and assigns them to each of the things that people were staring at (the bitemarks, the broken shoes, the cut on her lip, etc) she comes to the realization that the society is rejecting her for things that she really enjoyed doing, and would do agian.

Therein, she finds a new sense of belong in being herself, and not worrying about what people think of her.

All I can think of to make it slightly more clear is adding something about facing her boss at work without regret or shame.

Any ideas on how else to make it more obvious?
(story follows)

 

[meeatu]

What a Fool
“What a fool,” the words fell from her lips exhaustedly as her eyes dance over the haggard figure in the mirror. It had certainly seen better days. She looked over its haggard form, sighing at the faint outline of a bitemark on her neck: a souvenir from a drunken stranger, the remnant of a one night stand. She traced the ridged outline with her finger, letting it wander up to the cut on her lip and winced in surprise that they both still hurt. She looked over the stains on her shirt, Baileys… scotch… pizza… ash from carelessly tapped cigarettes… she didn’t even want to think that other one was. Her head was on fire. Wasn’t the hangover supposed to have the decency to at least let you sleep before it hit you? An impolite hangover was the last thing she needed right now, what she needed was to get cleaned up and get to work – she really shouldn’t have been drinking last night. Catching sight of her broken heels, on the way to the aspirin, she can't help but think that they look like some sad, abused animal. The heel had completely come off one of them, and the other… was it melted? She shook her head, Christ… she needed to start taking it easy. How long was her boss supposed to put up with her turning up to work like this?




Emett shook his head. Here comes another one, broken shoes in hand, fag still hanging out of her bruised lips. “Rough night?” he asked, to receive only a grunt and a nod towards the slurpy she had thrust onto the counter before him… Charming. He smiled as best one can after being grunted at and nodded at the bitemark on her neck, it looked painful and had obviously only just stopped bleeding. “Got attacked by a dog or something?” She ignored his question and asked how much the slurpy was. He clearly wasn’t going to get any sort of conversation from this one – not that he could honestly say that he had expected to. He watched her turning her back and heading to the bus stop and winced as she fingered the cheap clothes he was selling at the store front, not that they were worth the clean he felt they now needed.





“What a fool,” she couldn't help almost laughing the words out as she sized herself up in the mirror again. She must've attracted quite a few stares on her way home, and yet it was almost reluctantly that she began covering up her trophies with thick dabs of makeup. As the bristles whispered at her neck, she could almost feel his hot breath spidering across her skin, making her hairs stand up on end, and teasing her endlessly with his lips and teeth. She couldn't help but grin at her own scarred lip, treasuring the memory of her fist burying itself into the tiger tattoos exposed flank, and feeling it's owners body give way. The stains on her shirt each held a story: the new drink they invented, the food fight in the middle of the street... Her shoes would forever serve as a reminder of her panicked discovery that milk crates are in fact quite flammable... Yes, it had been a night to remember. Her headache was clearing up now, and she was already feeling better. She may be a mess, but, as they say, no pain, no gain, and that night was certainly worth the looks she'd gotten. She shook her head, Christ… some things, she wouldn't give up for the world.

 

[ac91]

Personally, I think it is brilliant!

 

[violentdelights]

Emett?

Is this Twilight fanfiction?

 

[violentdelights]

My word of advice: Show, don't tell.

 

[meeatu]

My word of advice: Show, don't tell.

Emmet is a character in twightlight...?
ARGH!!!! *hurriedly changes the characters name*


Cheers for the advice, I'll take it to heart.
Anywhere in particular that it seemed I was telling, rather than showing?

My Eng teacher seems to think the concept of belonging is not predominant enough through it, I really don't know how to make it more obvious... I already feel like I'm spelling it out as clearly as humanly possible... >_< Dumb HSC...

EDIT: scratch the question about "show don't tell" I read it over, and christ lol i'm making that mistake everywhere - Thanks for pointing it out ^__^

 

[townie]

Wow, I thought that was really good, and I'm not just saying that. It's true about the milk crates too, my friend burnt down a shop accidentally that way.

 

[Applesoup]

ditto with the rest, i think its great too
i see not belonging for sure there.

 

[Starfriend]

I think the aspects of belonging not being obvious is a credit to you.

 

[meeatu]

Wow, I thought that was really good, and I'm not just saying that. It's true about the milk crates too, my friend burnt down a shop accidentally that way.

Stalking my profile again, love?

You're biased sweetheart ^__^

And yes, I know
How do you think I came up with the idea?
Last Mardi Gras' antics XD

ditto with the rest, i think its great too
i see not belonging for sure there.

Cheers :]
and I think once I add the ending on about the boss, then the whole idea of gaining a sense of belonging in being yourself will become inescapably clear also ^__^

I think the aspects of belonging not being obvious is a credit to you.

Hahaha cheers, and generally I agree, I think it makes for a much better story that way, but in the words of my teacher "you gotta play the game" and he reckons the HSC markers will be kinder (after marking 4 million short stories already) if it is a tad more obvious.




Thanks to everyone for their compliments and advice :]

I just have to figure out HOW to make it more obvious now XD

 

[I.refuse.a.name]

"She must've attracted quite a few stares on her way home, and yet it was almost reluctantly that she began covering up her trophies with thick dabs of makeup."

Maybe you could rework this idea to emphasise the belonging, not belonging aspect as a more core part of the story.

Like, refer to the stares and gaping mouths of older men and women on the street hmphing at her, children being hurried away by their parents as of she were instead a cockroach or a rat who don't want their children to be exposed to supposed human scum like that and who may be muttering to themselves about the integrity of the protagonist.

Then you could contrast this later in the story that after sulking her head, like a stranger in her own hometown, walking across and remniscing about the night as you have mentioned, her fingers brushing gently over the marks she had received from the night, pausing before slowly applying the thick dabs of make up over her skin to cover the scars. And then the realisation these were not scars, they were souvenirs of her independence or whatever, cherished memories of her individual being. She might start brushing off the powder, throw away the entire makeup bag, standing tall and striding along the rest of the night. She had owned the moment, she would not dispassionately conform to the norms of the passers by. And she wouldn't hesitate to do it again. (In a more show not tell kind of way of course)

Hope that helps

 

[lychnobity]

It's fine as is!

The aspects of belonging are fairly obvious enough already... imo, making it more obvious would ruin its complexity!

Not far off Aerath's standard

 

[meeatu]

"She must've attracted quite a few stares on her way home, and yet it was almost reluctantly that she began covering up her trophies with thick dabs of makeup."

Maybe you could rework this idea to emphasise the belonging, not belonging aspect as a more core part of the story.

Like, refer to the stares and gaping mouths of older men and women on the street hmphing at her, children being hurried away by their parents as of she were instead a cockroach or a rat who don't want their children to be exposed to supposed human scum like that and who may be muttering to themselves about the integrity of the protagonist.

Then you could contrast this later in the story that after sulking her head, like a stranger in her own hometown, walking across and remniscing about the night as you have mentioned, her fingers brushing gently over the marks she had received from the night, pausing before slowly applying the thick dabs of make up over her skin to cover the scars. And then the realisation these were not scars, they were souvenirs of her independence or whatever, cherished memories of her individual being. She might start brushing off the powder, throw away the entire makeup bag, standing tall and striding along the rest of the night. She had owned the moment, she would not dispassionately conform to the norms of the passers by. And she wouldn't hesitate to do it again. (In a more show not tell kind of way of course)

Hope that helps

Cheers!
That's a GREAT Idea,
Thanks! :]
You're very smart!
*highfives*

 

[I.refuse.a.name]

Cheers!
That's a GREAT Idea,
Thanks! :]
You're very smart!
*highfives*

=D You're very welcome, and thankyou kindly , but to be fair I couldn't have been so inspired without the excellent foundations you laid yourself with your writing skills, keep it up!

*high five* *click* (yes I high five Scrubs style)

 

[meeatu]

=D You're very welcome, and thankyou kindly , but to be fair I couldn't have been so inspired without the excellent foundations you laid yourself with your writing skills, keep it up!

*high five* *click* (yes I high five Scrubs style)

Well, I'm very thankful, and you're welcome kindly ^__^
:smilie:

Hahaha I can't stand scrubs, but that's another story in itself XD

Cheers for the help :]

 

[Shadowdude]

Question: I'm thinking of doing a similar story off the internet, but how would I quote it in the HSC? It's not like we can say, "From Catcher in the Rye" or "From Frankenstein" and such and such, we have to say something like, to my gathering, "From this short story entitled 'Belonging' off the internet"...

Will it work?

 

[meeatu]

Question: I'm thinking of doing a similar story off the internet, but how would I quote it in the HSC? It's not like we can say, "From Catcher in the Rye" or "From Frankenstein" and such and such, we have to say something like, to my gathering, "From this short story entitled 'Belonging' off the internet"...

Will it work?

Full bibliography.
Only way to do it.
look up how to set one up
tho most schools have their own way of doing it.

Ours does: Authors' Surname, Initial. (date in brackets) Title. *Place of publication: Publisher