Belonging essay introduction - please check (1 Viewer)

[agneet95]

Hey guys,
Below is my intro for my cap a on belonging. The thesis is ‘An individual’s interaction with others and the world around them can enrich or limit theirexperience of belonging. Could you just let me know if this is a good intro?



According to American actor, Pearl Bailey, "You cannot belong to anyone else, until you belong to yourself”. This statement shows the necessity for an individual to interact with others. An individual’s experience of belonging is affected by one’s connection with other people, society and the world at large. An examination of People’s Republic, by Robert Muchamore, Migrant Hostel, by Peter Skrzynecki and 10 Mary Street, by the same poet, reveals that these exchanges can either enrich, or embellish, limit, or bound, an individual’s sense of allegiance. In People’s Republic, Muchamore draws on second person narrative perspective whereas Skrzynecki uses various imagery, amongst other techniques.

Thanks in advance

 

[loaves]

I'd cut out the last sentence, as you'll be comparing/contrasting in the body of your essay and you shouldn't mention techniques in your intro. I would replace it by stating the focal points/themes that you'll be exploring in your essay (probably 2-3). Good luck!

 

[agneet95]

cheers

 

[eyetalian]

I just wanted to add that while including a quote in the first sentence looks really good and professional for the actual HSC exam I would probably advise against it purely because it makes it look as if your answer is prepared/rote learnt which would make the marker think you don't really know how to answer the specific question asked. But for an in class exam, assignment or speech then I'm all for them =) Hope that helps but maybe ask your teacher about using a quote in the actual exam.

 

[Kimyia]

I'd cut out the last sentence, as you'll be comparing/contrasting in the body of your essay and you shouldn't mention techniques in your intro. I would replace it by stating the focal points/themes that you'll be exploring in your essay (probably 2-3). Good luck!

agree. include general concepts that will be the basis of your paragraphs is better.

I just wanted to add that while including a quote in the first sentence looks really good and professional for the actual HSC exam I would probably advise against it purely because it makes it look as if your answer is prepared/rote learnt which would make the marker think you don't really know how to answer the specific question asked. But for an in class exam, assignment or speech then I'm all for them =) Hope that helps but maybe ask your teacher about using a quote in the actual exam.

agree. sometimes using a quote in your intro isn't the better thing but hey, its your preference.