Are you doing an all-nighter for results? if so spam here. (2 Viewers)

[dafidav]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course! He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?

They want to!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

[dafidav]

Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato . Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The bloody potato goes in the front!"

 

[dafidav]

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa and took her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and, before long, discovered that he was lost.

As he was wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones, on the ground, close by and immediately settled down to chew on them, with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing that, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride and slunk away into the trees as the terror of his possible fate came over him. "Whew," said the leopard, "that was close. That dachshund nearly had me for dessert."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene, from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went, but the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard and figured that something was up.

The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now, the dachshund saw the leopard coming, with the monkey on his back, and thought "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to the attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them coming... and just when they got close enough to hear, the dachshund said... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

REMEMBER: If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit!

 

[dafidav]

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

 

[dafidav]

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch porn and eat Cheetos!"

 

[dafidav]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

 

[dafidav]

A policeman is in a morgue finishing off some paperwork, when he sees a naked body lying face down on a table. Upon further inspection, he notices a cork stuck in the body's anus. Curiosity gets the better of him and he gently removes the cork.

All of a sudden the policeman hears "We're the Eagles, West Coast Eagles, and we're here to tell you why," so he quickly replaces the cork and rushes to find the morgue attendant.

When he finds him, he takes the attendant to the body and instructs him to remove the cork. The attendant, looking a little puzzled, removes the cork and suddenly "We're the Eagles, West Coast Eagles, and we're here to tell you why," can be heard once more.

The policeman asks the attendant if he has ever experienced anything like that before. The attendant looks at the policeman in surprise and says to him "Of course I have! Thousands of arseholes sing that song!"

 

[dafidav]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed that she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

 

[dafidav]

A successful station owner died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the station, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a station hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the station was doing very well.

Then one day, the station owner's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the station looks great. You should go into Kalgoorlie and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into hit the big smoke one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return, two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the station owner's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her and said "Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots" He did as she asked, ever so slowly. Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra" Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!!!"

 

[dafidav]

Two women friends had gone out for a girl's night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These bloody girls' night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

 

[dafidav]

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of to help his math! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

 

[dafidav]

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

 

[dafidav]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls aside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's Grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some "Why, that's awfully nice of them I think I will get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry."

The policeman fainted.

 

[dafidav]

A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of several years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said: "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

 

[dafidav]

An old farmer in Florida owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

 

[ujuphleg]

You're weak man.. i haven't slept since mid day....yesterday.

Come on man u can do it!

I think the sleep deprivation is kicking in....

 

[Tuggi3]

gagagaggagaga heheh

im sorry

had too

so own up, how many did go and check the student online thing

i did

My heart has never beaten so fast

 

[dafidav]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash"

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"

"Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit.

 

[noel_gallagher]

shortest joke - ever

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mum answered, "Not yet."

 

[dafidav]

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?" -- all the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock?" -- all the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." -- half the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen my cock?" -- The alter boy stood up.