Advice? (1 Viewer)

[ujuphleg]

This is a very long and complicated story and I know that I'll be less likely to get any kind of response the more involved the story is. Having said that, I'm looking towards some of the older members for advice (if they come in here anymore) so yeah anyway.

My boyfriend and I have been going out together for almost 4 years this December. Our relationship was fraught with difficulty from the beginning - my parents heavily disapproved of us being together in my HSC year and he went to the University of Wollongong while I live in Hornsby so we only ever got to see each other once a week or so.

This year, my parents moved to Tokyo on a short term contract and took my sister with them, leaving the house/car and me with my freedom. For the first time, he's been able to come over and stay the night and initially everything was great.

But as the year has worn on, I've become more headstrong, less inhibited about things that I used to be precious about and I've changed. Alot. I also started having feelings for a guy who I work with whos a few years older than me but everyone around me, my boyfriend included, believes that this is just symptomatic of a bigger problem with us.

We started having arguments about all kinds of other things - things that used to bug us a little like the fact that we're very different people - he's unambitious, messy, easy-going, unemotional and can be quite uncaring at times whereas I tend to be ambitious, a neat-freak, a little neurotic and high strung, introspective, emotional and highly empathetic.

Essentially we our problems have come to a head several times in the past couple of weeks and we resolved to work on them. This was 2 weeks ago.

Last weekend was bad - I had had a bad day at work which translated to a bad night involving sea-sickness and an argument and the day after his best friend wanted me to drive him to Gosford at 2:30 in the morning after I'd driven out to Fairfield and back that day via the city and he didn't stick up for me at all, but Sunday was good. This week he has been here (he's writing his thesis) and I've been trying to take care of him, stay out of his way, cook his favourite foods and let him get on with the business of writing the damn thing so that he can feel a bit more free. I mean, this is been part of our problem, we've been burdened by different things this semester and its been straining our relationship.

When I got home yesterday he had finished the bulk of his writing, was packed up and ready to go and said that he wanted to leave because I didn't want him there, which was not true. I begged him not to leave and despite the fact that I was in floods of tears, he left anyway.

I guess what I'm asking is, from what I've said, do you think that I've reached the end of the road? Part of me feels like it is. Another part of me tells me that we've had problems in the past and we've worked through them, but that in the past things were different, we hadn't changed as much. Part of me feels like I'm clinging on because I'm scared of the unknown. And the biggest part of me tells me that, no matter what his faults, I love him so much and although he walked out yesterday, before he left he told me that he loves me too, so theres still something there.

Bah I don't know. Thoughts?

 

[ur_inner_child]

I think it might be a really rough thing you're going through. I mean, you both have all these commitments at hand, and you're totally both stressed... I mean, it's so much pressure, and you're both nearing to the end of your degrees (or thesis-ing), hell, I don't blame you both for acting the way you do.

About the feelings for the other guy, well, I've had my crushes during my (oh same same!) 4 year relationship and well... are you sure it's not just some distraction you've made up in your head? As in, you've subconsciously distracted yourself by thinking you really like this guy... Despite the fact that he's probably way cute . It might be some way for yourself to deal with the stresses at hand. But either way if the crush doesn't fade, hey, kinda an indication about your current relationship. I have about two a year and they normally fade so...

I think it's quite indicative that he said he loved you too after all that coffuffle (sp?). I would've interpreted that the same way.

My advice/guess is to stay with him, see how you both go, and realise that you guys are pretty stressed out and you're both probably trying your hardest.

I hope that somehow helps in some weird way :/

 

[ujuphleg]

That's the thing Stef, I'm not convinced that either of us are trying very hard anymore.

The thing about the other guy is, (yes, he is very cute) he's also a lot older and the problem is, there are so many qualities in him that I wish my boyfriend had that he just doesn't. And to me, thats a warning sign when the criteria of what you want/need changes and then you find someone who fufills that.

But yes, there is a lot to be said for the fact that we both still love each other. But I just don't know if its enough.

 

[ur_inner_child]

Well maybe its well and truly moving toward the end? It's really up to you, and it almost sounds like you're quite certain about it; you're certain that your needs of changed, that there are men with better qualities etc.

I think you sound like you've already made up your mind on this one. But I'd wait it out and see how things go. I mean. After so long, you kinda just feel obliged to give it a chance before you end it.

Hypothetically, how would you feel about not having him there as a boyfriend anymore, and about being single? Would it only be a "where is my safety net??" feeling?

 

[AsyLum]

We started having arguments about all kinds of other things - things that used to bug us a little like the fact that we're very different people - he's unambitious, messy, easy-going, unemotional and can be quite uncaring at times whereas I tend to be ambitious, a neat-freak, a little neurotic and high strung, introspective, emotional and highly empathetic.

Just the way you describe him seems like you've already made up your mind.

I'd be wary of wanting someone based on their qualities mirroring your current situation, doesn't always turn out as you expect it to be, namely because those said qualities may end up conflicting with the way you are.

 

[Josie]

Disclaimer: I've only ever had disasterous relationships, so you should probably ignore any advice I give.

I came out of a 3 year relationship at the start of the year. We got together in high school. It ended for different reasons than what your going through, but essentially we're both different people now. Being with him really kept me from growing up. If we had stayed together I think I might have stayed 17 forever. Anyway, my point is that people change, even the best relationships can go sour even if you both love each other. /cliched bullshit

When you're deciding what to do, try not to think about being single and not having him there as a reason to stay. If you guys do break up it will be weird and unpleasent, but it will get better and you may be better off for it.

Totally totally agree.

I reasonably recently came out of a (2 year) relationship with someone who in the end I realised I had nothing in common with, I wanted and needed to grow as a person, I needed someone I could interact with on a level past grunting (yeah), somewhat intellectual, someone who didn't live in a pigsty. Anyway, enough ranting about that. It looks like you have made up your mind, and really, I've learned through many burns to always always ALWAYS trust your instincts.

 

[quik.]

The phrase "People change" is a cliche for a reason.

The thing that stuck out most to me personally is that you said you were ambitious and he was not. I'm fairly ambitious ( at least I'd like to think I am) and people who do not share this outlook more often than not give me the shits. That alone would be a big issue for me, I don't want people around me who are content to just stagnate.

Either way, it seems like you two both have a lot on your minds and on your agendas. It might not be the best time to assess the whole thing, but if it's on your mind there really isn't much else to do but address the issue.

Relationships are great because two different people can grow and learn from each other as well as share experiences, you just have to decide whether or not he is still someone you feel you can do that with.

Finally, I think the fact that he walked out, rather than talking it out, says a lot.

 

[kokodamonkey]

The phrase "People change" is a cliche for a reason.

The thing that stuck out most to me personally is that you said you were ambitious and he was not. I'm fairly ambitious ( at least I'd like to think I am) and people who do not share this outlook more often than not give me the shits. That alone would be a big issue for me, I don't want people around me who are content to just stagnate.

Either way, it seems like you two both have a lot on your minds and on your agendas. It might not be the best time to assess the whole thing, but if it's on your mind there really isn't much else to do but address the issue.

Relationships are great because two different people can grow and learn from each other as well as share experiences, you just have to decide whether or not he is still someone you feel you can do that with.

Finally, I think the fact that he walked out, rather than talking it out, says a lot.

yes i have to totally agree with you.

 

[ujuphleg]

Hypothetically, how would you feel about not having him there as a boyfriend anymore, and about being single? Would it only be a "where is my safety net??" feeling?

Oh he's fully aware (as am I) that if we break up, it's to be single, not to be with someone else. If I knew it would be a "where is my safety net??" feeling, then I know that we should break up, because clearly, thats being with someone out of habit. On the contrary, if we broke up now I still feel that I would be just devastated and so would he because he's not just a safety net, he's so much more than a boyfriend but fact has been that we've (well, particularly I) have changed and we either have to work together to get past that or we won't.


We've had a good weekend together and we're going to work it out, but this time we're not going to just cruise along and hope that it'll work out, we're going to try and confront the painful things that we haven't been so keen on looking at the last couple of times. I think it'll be good for us ultimatley and if we get through this then we will be much stronger for it.


Thank you so much to everyone who gave their opinions. I really appreciate it