Accepting feedback for this essay (1 Viewer)

[Dane Red]

Criteria	Marks​
Responds skillfully to the task provided displaying a highly developed understanding of the prescribed text Demonstrates a well-informed understanding of context, language, form and ideas using well-selected and detailed analysis of textual references Composes a thoughtful argument using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form	17–20​
Responds effectively to the task provided displaying a developed understanding of the prescribed text Demonstrates an informed understanding of context, language, form and ideas using well-selected analysis of textual references Composes an effective argument using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form	13–16​
Responds to the task provided displaying understanding of the prescribed text Demonstrates an understanding of context, language, form and ideas using textual references Composes a sound argument using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form	9–12​
Describes some aspects of the prescribed text Demonstrates some understanding of context, language and form with limited textual references Composes a limited response to the question	5–8​
Attempts to describe aspects of the prescribed text Attempts to compose a response to the question	1–4​

 

[Masaken]

i honestly am not qualified to give you a mark but i can quickly point out some observable flaws that bring down the quality of your essay:
- three paragraph structure, which we don't see here (standard essay structure for any 20+ mark unless you're doing module a). i'd frame each paragraph around one type of interplay in relation to a theme or something
- weak thesis that does not answer the question, you are just restating what the question is saying (ie. shakespeare interplays the two concepts) - how does he do it? how is it portrayed? what are the effects of this and what does it reveal to the audience? you mention nuance - what nuance? if you are framing it around personal relationships affecting public politics (which i think is a great idea) you should make that your thesis and make a conceptually strong argument
- topic sentences don't highlight the interplay - how do personal relationships affect public politics? + your linking sentences are not linking back to the question or your thesis (and your thesis is weak and nonexistent in the first place)
- articulate better, make your idea more conceptual and use appropriate vocabulary to express your argument better. 'King Henry's relationship with the Percy family is good thus less political conflict made event' isn't really good.
- you are just bringing out quotes and just narrating - how do the quotes support the argument?? what is the effect of the techniques and what do they emphasise? also, don't just list out techniques for the sake of having a technique - 'floral imagery' is not an effective technique to explain political conflict.
- do not say 'these quotes and techniques show.' essays are meant to be cohesive and flow well, from one argument to the next. this phrase just shows yours isn't. similar with 'hence this shows the interplay' and whatnot
- you are narrating the story instead of showing your insights about the interplays. do not narrate, it only highlights to me you have nothing to say about the interplay between the personal and the political
- the same things with 2nd para. you are just narrating and saying things. of course, provide some context as to what is going on but narration is bad. Don't say act 1 scene 2.
- again for 2nd para, technique effect and analysis is weak, they need to be connected and flow well from one point to the next. soliloquy to me indicates nothing about personal and political interplay
- 'these quotes show' no. talk about the techniques and their effects. those show things.
- where are the context sentences? the shakespearean era provides a lot of insight about what drove the political factor behind Henry iv, put that in preferably after topic sentence

 

[aulinia]

^^ agree with everything masaken said. You need to have a consistent, clear structure. Be effective in your analysis (cause + effect) and u need to link it back to the question and ur thesis. Your sentences are lacking, make sure your thesis and stance is clear in ur introduction and it is consistent throughout. Honestly i think a lot of ur issues can be fixed by improving your structure lol

 

[synthesisFR]

i honestly am not qualified to give you a mark but i can quickly point out some observable flaws that bring down the quality of your essay:
- three paragraph structure, which we don't see here (standard essay structure for any 20+ mark unless you're doing module a). i'd frame each paragraph around one type of interplay in relation to a theme or something
- weak thesis that does not answer the question, you are just restating what the question is saying (ie. shakespeare interplays the two concepts) - how does he do it? how is it portrayed? what are the effects of this and what does it reveal to the audience? you mention nuance - what nuance? if you are framing it around personal relationships affecting public politics (which i think is a great idea) you should make that your thesis and make a conceptually strong argument
- topic sentences don't highlight the interplay - how do personal relationships affect public politics? + your linking sentences are not linking back to the question or your thesis (and your thesis is weak and nonexistent in the first place)
- articulate better, make your idea more conceptual and use appropriate vocabulary to express your argument better. 'King Henry's relationship with the Percy family is good thus less political conflict made event' isn't really good.
- you are just bringing out quotes and just narrating - how do the quotes support the argument?? what is the effect of the techniques and what do they emphasise? also, don't just list out techniques for the sake of having a technique - 'floral imagery' is not an effective technique to explain political conflict.
- do not say 'these quotes and techniques show.' essays are meant to be cohesive and flow well, from one argument to the next. this phrase just shows yours isn't. similar with 'hence this shows the interplay' and whatnot
- you are narrating the story instead of showing your insights about the interplays. do not narrate, it only highlights to me you have nothing to say about the interplay between the personal and the political
- the same things with 2nd para. you are just narrating and saying things. of course, provide some context as to what is going on but narration is bad. Don't say act 1 scene 2.
- again for 2nd para, technique effect and analysis is weak, they need to be connected and flow well from one point to the next. soliloquy to me indicates nothing about personal and political interplay
- 'these quotes show' no. talk about the techniques and their effects. those show things.
- where are the context sentences? the shakespearean era provides a lot of insight about what drove the political factor behind Henry iv, put that in preferably after topic sentence

can i also get a 1000 word feedback for my mod a essay?

 

[synthesisFR]

^^ agree with everything masaken said. You need to have a consistent, clear structure. Be effective in your analysis (cause + effect) and u need to link it back to the question and ur thesis. Your sentences are lacking, make sure your thesis and stance is clear in ur introduction and it is consistent throughout. Honestly i think a lot of ur issues can be fixed by improving your structure lol

Imo just plan the question our with ur teacher during free periods or something and understand the main parts of an essay
Also keep all the good advice u get like the ones above in a google doc or smth then u can reflect on ur essay in the future as u find common issues that ur writing has

 

[Masaken]

can i also get a 1000 word feedback for my mod a essay?

i'm not 100% qualified </3 + mod a has to be my fav module so far but writing five drafts of the essay made me want to kms

 

[synthesisFR]

i'm not 100% qualified </3 + mod a has to be my fav module so far but writing five drafts of the essay made me want to kms

then stop writing drafts + give me feedback instead to get qualified

 

[Masaken]

then stop writing drafts + give me feedback instead to get qualified

LMFAO bet

kms as in "know my syllabus"?

obviously, if you thought of any other connotation that's on you