Hows my intro? AOS (1 Viewer)

[erespall]

Need help with this essay.... ive got an intro down to build on in the body para's... what do u guys think?


“An individual’s interaction with others and the world around them can enrich or limit their experience of belonging.”

Discuss this view with detailed reference to your prescribed text ad ONE other related text of your own choosing.

Intro:

Belonging is a complex, dynamic, contrasting and multifaceted concept that incorporates both an individuals’ sense of identity and connections with people, places and landscapes. Our sense of belonging is individual and unique to each of us. It is shaped by our individual perspectives, experiences and often reflects how we see ourselves. An individual’s interaction with other people and the world around them does pose the potential to either enrich or limit their experience of belonging. Our perception and attitude influence the ways in which we can belong to or with certain groups, people or landscapes. Our perception is shaped by our past experiences and influences, thus each person’s sense of belonging are unique. It is through this that the way individuals interact with each other and the world around them is influenced, which in turn can either enriches or hinders ones sense of belonging. This notion is evident in the memoir Romulus, My Father by Raimond Gaita and the petition by Vincent Lingiari, Gurindji Petition to Lord Casey, Governor General. The two texts address this notion through exploring the different aspects that give way to an enrichment or hindrance of ones sense of belonging.

 

[Absolutezero]

Far too verbose. You've said the same thing multiple times. Observe:

"Our sense of belonging is individual and unique to each of us." IS THE SAME AS "thus each person’s sense of belonging are unique"

"It is shaped by our individual perspectives, experiences and often reflects how we see ourselves." IS THE SAME AS "perception and attitude influence the ways in which we can belong to or with certain groups, people or landscapes. Our perception is shaped by our past experiences and influences," IS THE SAME AS "it is through this that the way individuals interact with each other and the world around them is influenced"

The opening line:

Belonging is a complex, dynamic, contrasting and multifaceted concept that incorporates both an individuals’ sense of identity and connections with people, places and landscapes.

Choose one description from each section in bold. You've used too many.

Either underline, italicise, or use inverted commas for titles of texts.

You're ending lines need to state HOW the two texts show a sense of belonging, and how that LINKS back to the question.

 

[erespall]

ah i see, thanks for the feedback. i probably wouldnt have picked that up otherwise. Kudos

 

[jayy100]

hey, did you attend the tsfx english lecture? Your intro seems to directly incorporate phrases from the material given.... AND your related text about the aboriginal people was also acknowledged there =\ ?

maybe i'm wrong.

 

[erespall]

Yes i did but i only used the related text about the aboriginal people. The phrases i used were from my own knowledge and understanding of the text.

which session did you go to?

 

[ibbi00]

I don't like how you constantly use the pronoun 'our' throughout the introduction. It is better if you speak in third person imo.

 

[jayy100]

hmmm, your intro seems really generic and very familiar... it almost sounds like you're just using statements from the syllabus and/or some tutoring company :S Try to change it up a little.

And tsfx already analysed that related text during the seminars. So, come up with your own ideas/insights so markers won't get the feeling that you just plagerised someone else's work.

 

[erespall]

And tsfx already analysed that related text during the seminars.

They didnt go into that text during the second session which was the one i went to...


anyways.... ive got a bit of a body paragraph going, but this is just a first draft so its gonna be pretty shit...


Upon encountering alien environments or situations, individuals tend to congregate together based on ethnicity, backgrounds or ideals, to form a smaller community within greater society. This is evident in Romulus, My Father when upon arrival in Australia; Romulus is faced with an unfamiliar and alien landscape “As soon as my father arrived at the camp, he asked the man who greeted new arrivals whether there were other Romanians. He was told there were two brothers, he sought them out and they quickly became friends.” The use of hindsight conveys this notion to the responder demonstrating how this initial acquaintance lead to a lifelong friendship between Romulus and Hora enriching each others sense of belonging. This friendship based on cultural ties and ideological similarities draws out the multifaceted nature of belonging in that it demonstrates how important social bonds are and that although they shared many similarities, they remained individuals with ideological and idiosyncratic differences. Hora becomes an integral part of the Gaita family life becoming a father figure and role model for Raimond helping to establish the moral and ethical values that Raimond came to abide and live by “The friendship of my father and Hora, inspirational to me was of course marked by (arguably universal) virtues such as loyalty, trust and mutual respect, they despised the trappings of wealth and status.” Drawing out the extent of this friendship, extending to the influential impact it has on Raimond as well further denoting how an individual’s interaction with others can enrich their sense of belonging.

 

[4025808]

They didnt go into that text during the second session which was the one i went to...


anyways.... ive got a bit of a body paragraph going, but this is just a first draft so its gonna be pretty shit...


Upon encountering alien environments or situations, individuals tend to congregate together based on ethnicity, backgrounds or ideals, to form a smaller community within greater society. This is evident in Romulus, My Father when upon arrival in Australia; Romulus is faced with an unfamiliar and alien landscape “As soon as my father arrived at the camp, he asked the man who greeted new arrivals whether there were other Romanians. He was told there were two brothers, he sought them out and they quickly became friends.” The use of hindsight conveys this notion to the responder demonstrating how this initial acquaintance lead to a lifelong friendship between Romulus and Hora enriching each others sense of belonging. This friendship based on cultural ties and ideological similarities draws out the multifaceted nature of belonging in that it demonstrates how important social bonds are and that although they shared many similarities, they remained individuals with ideological and idiosyncratic differences. Hora becomes an integral part of the Gaita family life becoming a father figure and role model for Raimond helping to establish the moral and ethical values that Raimond came to abide and live by “The friendship of my father and Hora, inspirational to me was of course marked by (arguably universal) virtues such as loyalty, trust and mutual respect, they despised the trappings of wealth and status.” Drawing out the extent of this friendship, extending to the influential impact it has on Raimond as well further denoting how an individual’s interaction with others can enrich their sense of belonging.

you could possibly shorten down the quote that you inserted with ... since it'll be too long for you to memorize.
but in regarding using three dots, only use it on the parts of the quote without relevance to your thesis.
Also try to fit in a technique that yout quote has, since if you state a technique that is true, and do it for more, you would get bumped up

on this quote
>>The friendship of my father and Hora, inspirational to me was of course marked by (arguably universal) virtues such as loyalty, trust and mutual respect, they despised the trappings of wealth and status.”<<
is use of first person (and so is the other one above)

plus try to shorten your sentences so that the marker won't get pissed at you. Short concise sentences are a plus. try breaking some of them into parts..

Edit: also underline the text name when you state it.