short story, marks and suggested improvements please! (1 Viewer)

[Kaatie]

I know this story is far from a band 6 but i sit there and look at in wondering how i can improve it. Hopefully some perspective of others will help

do the short stories need to have titles?

No kindness in the face of strangers, so now I must try to fit in… now I must try to belong… - use this statement as a basis for a short story

Shirley ran through the front door, threw her bag in the corner and tore up the stairs to her room. Bang! Edna sighed as she slowly forced her unwilling body apart from the rocking chair and up the stairs. As she reached the top she regained her breath and paused before knocking, let it be something different she pleaded.

As she opened the door disappointment flooded her as she sighted the torn apart pom poms sprawled across the carpet, the same pom poms she had been begged to make.
‘Tell me what happened Shirley, talk to Nan’ Edna whispered as she stroked the girl’s flaming curly hair.
‘It’s everyone Nan!, Everyone in this stupid town! I wish I never moved here!’ Silence passed for a few minutes and Edna got up to leave feeling helpless, but as she did she caught sight of a ball of paper lying in the middle of Shirley’s usually immaculate room. Disappointment struck a second time as the ball of paper revealed a cartoon sketch of a red haired girl in a cheerleading uniform surrounded by comments, most of which she did not know their meaning but there was no doubt about their nature. She wiped her cheeks.

Edna took a deep breath, she knew Shirley missed her old town and her old friends but this was the only place for her to live since her mother passed away. Shirley had been bullied ever since she enrolled at Merrydale High a month ago, there was no kindness in the face of strangers in this town but Shirley thought trying to fit in by becoming a cheerleader would help her belong and stop the bullying - or at least lessen it. Even Edna thought it would work. It hadn’t.
Shirley’s bullying forced Edna back to Merrydale High....

She was walking through the corridor as her friend ran past her.
‘Come on Eddie! We’re gunna be late for practice!’. They took off together laughing and giggling as they narrowly avoided collisions with other students. As they reached the hall Edna took her position as head cheerleader and her friend took her place among the squad. After several cheers Edna stopped leading her squad as she saw a girl walking into gym. Not just any girl, this girl was emblazoned with red hair. This was unorthodox.
‘Hey carrot top! Whaddaya think your doin’ in our uniform huh? Did you actually think you could be one of us, fit in, with that colour hair?’ The other girl stuttered in her attempt to form an answer. She attempted another answer for Edna but the entire basketball team was observing the quarrel, not even bothering to try and withhold their laughter. The girl impetuously darted out of the gym.

Edna and her followers constantly tormented that girl from that day onward, ensure she never felt that she had a place in Edna’s school. Day in day out the tantalising did not stop, right up till graduation. That night was the worst of all of them. Upon this thought Edna’s heart abandoned her, the forceful thud alarming Shirley who hastily rushed to help.

‘Now the doctor said to take it easy and make sure you take one of these a day for the next two weeks’ Shirley advised, placing the pills and a glass of water on the bedside table. Edna filled with warmth from pride, her granddaughter had a kind heart. Too kind, her granddaughter was, to be victimised because she did not fit the status quo. Then it hit her. It was her. Edna. She tore apart others the way Shirley was being torn apart. How could she be okay with making someone alienated, as alienated as Shirley was? She couldn’t. And without a second thought she emptied the entire packet of pills in her mouth and took a big gulp of water. She didn’t deserve to live.


oh and lastly do we end with the end? some teachers say we must others are firmly against it?


any opinions would be great. and if giving a mark make it out of ten because that is what it is going to be marked out of in half yealry

 

[bored of sc]

No kindness in the face of strangers, so now I must try to fit in… now I must try to belong… - use this statement as a basis for a short story

Shirley ran through the front door, threw her bag in the corner and tore (huh?) up the stairs to her room. Bang! Edna sighed as she forced her body apart (word choice, perhaps take it out altogether) from the rocking chair and up the stairs. As she reached the top she regained her breath and paused before knocking. "Let it be something different," she pleaded.

As she opened the door disappointment flooded (word choice) her as she sighted (word choice) the torn apart pom poms sprawled across the carpet, the same pom poms she had been begged (word choice) to make.
‘Tell me what happened Shirley, talk to (tell?) Nan [about] what has happened,’ Edna whispered as she stroked the girl’s flaming curly hair.
‘It’s everyone Nan! Everyone in this stupid town! I wish I never moved here!’ Silence passed (word choice) for a few minutes and Edna got up to leave feeling helpless, but as she did [begain to leave] she caught sight of a ball (word choice) of paper lying in the middle of Shirley’s usually immaculate [word choice] room. Disappointment struck a second time as the ball [as above] of paper revealed a cartoon sketch of a red haired girl in a cheerleading uniform surrounded by comments, most of which she did not know the meaning. But there was no doubt about the nature of the words which spread across the piece of paper. She wiped her cheeks [more description required, she's crying right?].

Edna took a deep breath. - slow the pace to emphasise and make more realistic

She knew Shirley missed her old town and her old friends but this was the only place for her to live since her mother had passed away. Shirley had been bullied (perhaps 'tormented', 'bullied' has childish connotations and takes away from the sympathy we develop for the girl) ever since she enrolled at Merrydale High a month ago. There was no kindness in the face (just in their faces?) of strangers but Shirley thought by becoming a cheerleader, she would be able to belong and in turn, stop the bullying - or at least lessen (word choice) it. Even Edna thought it would work. It hadn’t.
Shirley’s bullying forced Edna back to Merrydale High....

She was walking through the corridor (where are we? the house?) as her friend ran past her.
‘Come on Eddie! We’re gunna be late for practice!’. They took off (word choice) together laughing and giggling as they narrowly avoided collisions with other students. (too wordy) As they reached the hall Edna took her position as head cheerleader and her friend took her place among the squad. After several cheers Edna stopped leading her squad. She spotted a girl walking into the gym. Not just any girl, this girl was emblazoned (word choice) with red hair. This was unorthodox (word choice).
‘Hey carrot top! Whaddaya (not a word) think your doin’ in our uniform, huh? Did you actually think you could be one of us with hair of that colour?’ The other girl (who?) stuttered in her attempt to form an answer. She attempted another answer for Edna but the entire basketball team was observing the quarrel, not even bothering to try and withhold their laughter. The girl impetuously (word choice) darted out of the gym.

Edna and her followers constantly tormented the girl from that day onward to ensure she never felt she had a rightful place in Edna’s school. Day in day out the tantalising (word choice) did not stop, right up until graduation. That night was the worst of all of them. Upon this thought Edna’s heart abandoned her, the forceful thud alarming Shirley who hastily rushed to help (wordy).

‘Now the doctor said to take it easy and make sure you take one of these a day for the next two weeks’ Shirley advised, placing the pills and a glass of water on the bedside table. Edna filled with warmth from pride, her granddaughter had a kind heart. Too kind, her granddaughter was, to be victimised because she did not fit the status quo. Then it hit her. It was her. Edna. She tore apart others the way Shirley was being torn apart. How could she be okay with making someone alienated, as alienated as Shirley was? She couldn’t. And without a second thought she emptied the entire packet of pills in her mouth and took a big gulp of water. She didn’t deserve to live.

Should you have a title? Your choice. I recommend.
Should you put 'The End' at the conclusion of your work? Your choice. I do put 'The End' at the conclusion of my stories.


The idea is cliche (but then again what isn't cliche?). You can move it further and further away from cliche through your language and plot devices. The belonging words like 'alienated', 'fit in', 'a place' etc seem a little forced and don't quite work when used in their current contexts. Be creative and use terminology which moves beyond the explicit belonging words.

The plot is confusing at times. The ending doesn't make sense to me.

Your language is great at times but there is some wordiness and incorrect word choices. Careful not to choose a word simply because it's long/sophsiticated vocabulary or because it's from the thesaurus. This won't work. Trust me, I've been there.

Some of the events in the plot are not cliche and should be developed further e.g. the ending even though I don't quite understand it.

Well that's about it. There are some solid points to this piece of writing, don't be put off by the fact that I gave you criticisms. I am only trying to help you improve. Don't forget that you can take or leave any of my points. I'm not a teacher nor a top student of english.

You interpret the stimulus statement well and it is clear in your writing.

Marking is irrelevant and wouldn't be accurate if I was to give you a score. I will say it's not quite 9/10+ material just yet.

Keep writing, developing and editting. Best of luck.

 

[tku336]

solid story.

tad cliched. i agree with above post, strip down the language a little.

not sure about such a melodramatic ending.

and i wouldnt put "the end" at the end of anything, it just looks bad. (although thats just my personal opinion).

 

[lychnobity]

The characterisation had some inconsistencies.

Re-structuring some paragraphs to emphasise certain points and elicit a fresher response could work better. Eg truncate maybe, some rephrasing to get some cohesion going - "flow"

If you're going to go for a melodramatic ending, you might as well make a very strong statement with it. Its forgettable.

A hint of innovation could go a long way, you followed the stimulus clearly, but I think adding some more... conceptual, abstract ideas could really lift the effectiveness of this piece.

 

[keeganryan]

You should always have a title. That's just basic.
But you should never have to end your story with 'the end.' If your piece is well written enough, a marker will be able to recognised the end for themself.

Shirley’s bullying forced Edna back to Merrydale High....
I'd make it clearer that Edna was looking back at her own memories, if that is indeed what she is doing, because doing so makes the transition clearer.

 

[Kaatie]

what do you mean by the characterisation has inconstancies, some egs please

 

[The Kaiser]

I don't want to seem rude or be overly critical, but some parts of your story seemed to me to be way too predictable and cliched, and the ending way too melodramatic. ( I mean IMO a lot of people would write about "not belonging" in a school setting.) Also I wouldn't suggest ending the story with the death (or implied death) of a character, as it comes of a little too predictable and sappy.

In truth however, it is very hard to write about something that is not cliched. The best way to avoid this is to write about some aspect or some place, that you personally know (and base your story around this), and the emotions that it conveys to your character. This gives a more realistic feel to your story. Don't be afraid to use some poetic/literary devices as well (such as similes, personification etc), to help convey these emotions.

The idea of the Grandmother memory of being a bully when she was younger, is a nice concept, and does reinforce, the idea that "depending on how people are treated by peers, and it's affect their relationships/experiences with loved ones etc" so you've demonstrated a clear understanding of the concepts of belonging. That's going to lift your marks.

You have used some nice and effective visual imagery in the beginning of your prose. "Tore up the stairs" for example, it's simple and it works. Some of the vocab and descriptions you're using is a bit too verbose IMO, and it ruins the fluency of your story. (I used to do this as well, but the teachers/markers prefer, a simple well paced, fluent story, rather than a verbose, and complex one.) I mean, of course vocab and use of language is a major marking criteria, but don't use these verbose descriptions, if it diminishes the fluency.

You should have developed Shirley a little better, and I think rather than having the grandmother, swallow all those pills, she should have talked to Shirley about her past experinences or something of that extent. It's very nitpicky I know, and I don't want to change your story, but it's those more realistic (IMO anyway) concepts that allows Shirley to reconnect with her grandmother, and help Edna overcome and attempt to reconcile or avoid the mistakes of her past.

Use a Title, and no "The End" is not neccessary . I'm not going to officially grade it (I'm not a teacher so I wouldn't know how to mark anything) but IMO it's around the 7-8/10 area, that is a solid Band 5.

Hope that helps and Best of Luck to your future assessments.

 

[Kaatie]

Thanks alot teacher said i need to change my ending and i wasnt sure what to then i came on here and i will change it to that
on and my teachers are big on 'show not tell'

 

[bored of sc]

Thanks alot teacher said i need to change my ending and i wasnt sure what to then i came on here and i will change it to that
on and my teachers are big on 'show not tell'

The 'show not tell' concept is the key to creative writing really. For the ending, perhaps have the grandmother die by natural causes so it is poignant (have the main character want to tell the grandmother certain things but cannot now that she is dead. This is still cliche, but there's a little more room for ambiguity and further twists).