I Thought Sex Was Fun... (1 Viewer)

[taxman]

Thanks to the almighty New Year's Eve thang, I kinda sorta had my first time...only I found how fucking awful sex can really be.

The girl I was with was someone I completely trusted and care about...we've been friends for a while, and it got to the point where the sexual tension was like....stabbing, with the blood and the string and the mehay!

Anyway, the series of unfortunate events starting pretty damn fine. I'd gone down on her and had her rolling, which I was like, so stoked about...but after she came we got to the sex bit...me with an incredibly sore jaw.

Condom #1: This condom I'd had for a while (I'm an optimist) and I was sittin there wrestling with the fuckin thing, trying to get it on and it was being a total bitch and decided that "Hey dude...I'm not gonna fit. You know how much it sucks to be a condom? Eat shit dickhead." So the condom was like, not going anywhere...I even tried putting it on the wrong way.....hey, it was worth a try. So I fucked that one off, and the girl I was with had another one.

Condom #2: Hey! Success. It was on, I was ready, she was ready. It now comes to insertion....and this is where it totally fell to bits. I...didn't fit. I was a pushin and she was a in pain, so I stopped. Then tried again slowly and she almost screamed. So she jumped on top with a pillow wrapped around her face and tried again...no fit.

So we stopped, she tried gettin me off, but the taxman's winkie faded into nothing...a bare memory of he once was. So we layed there and fell asleep....while she tried boosting my ego by telling me she has sex a lot and she's surprised I didn't fit. Well, that part worked...but as far as sex goes, it sucks.

Doom to sex! Doom to it all night long, down by the fire...with boobs....and...and....hey...anybody around here want sex?

 

[nick1048]

is this just to try and publicise that u have a large "e-dick"???

 

[spiny norman]

Sadly I'm a heterosexual male and thus feel inclined to turn down your offer, but where were you at this time? Were you in a situation where you were unable to retrieve some form of lubrication?

Anyway, as my sister once told me in a very drunken state, should I ever be in this situation, "just break her in half".

 

[MiuMiu]

Yeah assuming the girl wants to have sex with you just keep pushing and it will get in the eventually. The pain only lasts a few seconds.

It still hurts when i have sex with my bf but the faster he gets it in there the better

 

[GSTARRAW]

Lol dude, that's unlucky man. Atleast you're gettin' the un-interrupted chance is all i gotta say. It's better then starting then having to stop because of other people interrupting or getting in the mood and her telling you shes got her rags n you caqn't do anything. That shit breaks the heart.

 

[MiuMiu]

hehe it breaks our heart just as much arabianknight!

(EDIT: a massive sigh of relief at the same time)

 

[pinkblinkbarbie]

ok was she lubricated enough? you would fit cause a girls vagina stretches sort of thing. and im sure there is no such thing as a penis too big. but if a girl isnt wet enough, it can REALLY really hurt when trying to insert your penis. so next time, use a lubricant (water based if you are using condoms) because it will be painful if she isnt wet enough......plus if she is lying and is a virgin then it would probably hurt as well.
and dont worry about your almost first time being a dud, most people experience a shit problem like that

 

[GSTARRAW]

hehe it breaks our heart just as much arabianknight!

(EDIT: a massive sigh of relief at the same time)

Not that simple in my case, i wish it was though. Gettin' kinky with my mrs isn't a regular thing, it's something she'd rather just happened without plans, and what makes it harder is she hates comming over my house when noone is home coz she feels 'pressured'
Hmmmf.

 

[absolution*]

This thread is so cringeworthy.

 

[mmm_sofay]

anybody around here want sex?

yeah, i want sex.
lets go

 

[Minai]

I think your downfall was that after she came, you forgot about her vagina after all your condom struggles and she probably dried up.

Always check if she's ready for 'insertion' (ready = wet)

 

[glycerine]

Yeah, I'm going with the 'next time, try lubricant' theory.

Very few people have an enjoyable first time. Mine was horrific... now I looove sex and can't go without it for more than a week.

 

[thejosiekiller]

better luck next time taxman

 

[hbk_ace]

Yeah, I'm going with the 'next time, try lubricant' theory.

Very few people have an enjoyable first time. Mine was horrific... now I looove sex and can't go without it for more than a week.

once you pop, you cant stop

 

[Not-That-Bright]

lmfao this is hillarious, show her this forum she'll love it lol

 

[crazyhomo]

maybe you're gay

 

[taxman]

maybe you're gay

Haha, I could be...but I'd probably be even more of a failure as a queer than a straight, so I'll stick to what I know...or rather...what I don't know

Yeah, I was thinkin lube while it was happenin, but it was in her bedroom with her family crashed out all over the floor in the next room, with her cousin standing outside waiting for us to finish...craziest stuff ever.

Thanks for the help all. Why is boredofstudies such an awesome place to vent frustration?

 

[mmm_sofay]

so are you going to sex me yet?

 

[corro]

aint no one gonna sex you . . .

 

[mmm_sofay]

i wasnt talking to u