MedVision ad

Belonging Short Story (2 Viewers)

TheGusBus

New Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2008
Messages
9
Gender
Male
HSC
2009
What would you mark this narrative out of 15?


I woke up with a fright. There were loud noises all around me. I jumped out of bed and looked out the window to see the terror smother my world. I couldn’t clearly see what was happening but there was chaos. Everywhere I looked people were screaming and running blindly. I looked away from the window and turned to run downstairs when I was lifted off my feet and was flung into a wall. A bomb hit my house and had blown half the wall off. There was mess everywhere and cuts all over my body. I couldn’t hear my family so I had to assume the worse and try to save myself. I felt alienated; there was no one. I was alone. I slowly got up and made my way for the door. Another blast! I slipped and hit my head. Everything around me caved to darkness as I lost consciousness.

I came to and slowly opened my eyes. It was night time but there were still, what seemed to be, floodlights all over the streets and the sound of helicopters flying overhead filled my ears. I was so confused. There was debris everywhere and I could see figures of faces I once knew hiding in the black. “Why are they hiding?” I thought. A spotlight covered me. No time a think. A deep voice came at me like a spear, “You! Stop where you are!”
I desperately looked towards one of the people hiding and he just said “Run”.
I didn’t question him and I ran as fast as I could just to get away. I couldn’t lose them no matter how fast I ran. There was no point in trying. The spotlight kept catching up to me and they were getting closer and closer. There was some hope. I saw a river up ahead and knew that if there was a chance to lose them that it would be now. In the second that the light faltered, I took the chance. I dove into the icy cold water, held my breath and swam as fast as I possibly could. I was shivering to the bone and out of breath, but I was determined.

It seemed like an eternity the time I was submerged but when I finally came up they had not found me. A wave of relief went over my body and then I realised how tired I was. I swam to the riverbank and collapsed on the sand. I awoke soon after to come to grips with my new world order. My town had been attacked and my family had been killed. I now have to be independent if I want to survive. There was no one but myself. I stood up and walked towards town. I had to figure out what was going on. As I neared the town I heard shouting. I crawled over a hill and scanned the town to see where it was coming from. I found it. There was a man standing on top of a tank. He was yelling orders in a foreign language. I looked to see what he was yelling at and what I saw disgusted me. There were soldiers dragging civilians in chains towards a room, those who showed any resistance were simply shot and tossed aside. I went to move closer but I heard a twig crack. I looked to the side and saw a soldier walking in my direction with a rifle in his hand. There was nothing I could do. If I moved he would surely shoot me. I slowly brushed some leaves and debris over my body in an attempt to conceal myself.




He came within a metre and was peering over the hill when the same voice that came at me from the helicopter come out of his radio.
“Captain, Have you found him yet? “
”No Lieutenant I haven’t. I will find him though, there is no doubt” said the soldier.
The Lieutenant replied, “His escape jeopardises my whole operation and it is essential that we capture him”.
“I understand Lieutenant” ended the Captain.
Sweat was dripping off my face; I glanced to the left and saw a rock. He was going to turn around and when he did there would be nothing I could do. I slowly slid over and picked up the rock and as I approached him he started to turn. When he saw me he gasped in shock and went for his rifle but it was too late, I had already swung and the rock had connected with his face. He wasn’t dead, just unconscious. I took his gear and his clothing. I stood up and looked over towards the town and used the soldiers’ binoculars to see up close, the devastation that had come across my town. I saw the face of destruction, this ‘Lieutenant’ that the man was talking to. He had no remorse. Male; female; child; it didn’t matter to him, only those that joined him were offered any concern in his mind.

My instincts told me to walk down and try to shoot him myself to end this mess but then I thought “Hold on a second, I am the threat. It is me who has caused this egotistical bastard to stress the fact that this ‘operation’ is at a complete undoing because of the fact that I escaped.” There was only one thing I could do. I had to turn back and travel until I found something that would threaten him, a force that could get rid of his regime. I had to alienate myself and speak to those whom I could trust. It will be a long and arduous journey, but this man has to be defeated.
 

bored of sc

Active Member
Joined
Nov 10, 2007
Messages
2,314
Gender
Male
HSC
2009
What would you mark this narrative out of 15?


I woke up with a fright. There were loud noises all around me. I jumped out of bed and looked out the window to see the terror smother my world. I couldn’t clearly see what was happening but there was chaos. Everywhere I looked people were screaming and running blindly. I looked away from the window and turned to run downstairs when I was lifted off my feet and was flung into a wall. A bomb hit my house and had blown half the wall off. There was mess everywhere and cuts all over my body. I couldn’t hear my family so I had to assume the worse and try to save myself. I felt alienated; there was no one. I was alone. I slowly got up and made my way for the door. Another blast! I slipped and hit my head. Everything around me caved to darkness as I lost consciousness.

I came to and slowly opened my eyes. It was night time but there were still, what seemed to be, floodlights all over the streets and the sound of helicopters flying overhead filled my ears. I was so confused. There was debris everywhere and I could see figures of faces I once knew hiding in the black. “Why are they hiding?” I thought. A spotlight covered me. No time a think. A deep voice came at me like a spear, “You! Stop where you are!”
I desperately looked towards one of the people hiding and he just said “Run”.
I didn’t question him and I ran as fast as I could just to get away. I couldn’t lose them no matter how fast I ran. There was no point in trying. The spotlight kept catching up to me and they were getting closer and closer. There was some hope. I saw a river up ahead and knew that if there was a chance to lose them that it would be now. In the second that the light faltered, I took the chance. I dove into the icy cold water, held my breath and swam as fast as I possibly could. I was shivering to the bone and out of breath, but I was determined.

It seemed like an eternity the time I was submerged but when I finally came up they had not found me. A wave of relief went over my body and then I realised how tired I was. I swam to the riverbank and collapsed on the sand. I awoke soon after to come to grips with my new world order. My town had been attacked and my family had been killed. I now have to be independent if I want to survive. There was no one but myself. I stood up and walked towards town. I had to figure out what was going on. As I neared the town I heard shouting. I crawled over a hill and scanned the town to see where it was coming from. I found it. There was a man standing on top of a tank. He was yelling orders in a foreign language. I looked to see what he was yelling at and what I saw disgusted me. There were soldiers dragging civilians in chains towards a room, those who showed any resistance were simply shot and tossed aside. I went to move closer but I heard a twig crack. I looked to the side and saw a soldier walking in my direction with a rifle in his hand. There was nothing I could do. If I moved he would surely shoot me. I slowly brushed some leaves and debris over my body in an attempt to conceal myself.




He came within a metre and was peering over the hill when the same voice that came at me from the helicopter come out of his radio.
“Captain, Have you found him yet? “
”No Lieutenant I haven’t. I will find him though, there is no doubt” said the soldier.
The Lieutenant replied, “His escape jeopardises my whole operation and it is essential that we capture him”.
“I understand Lieutenant” ended the Captain.
Sweat was dripping off my face; I glanced to the left and saw a rock. He was going to turn around and when he did there would be nothing I could do. I slowly slid over and picked up the rock and as I approached him he started to turn. When he saw me he gasped in shock and went for his rifle but it was too late, I had already swung and the rock had connected with his face. He wasn’t dead, just unconscious. I took his gear and his clothing. I stood up and looked over towards the town and used the soldiers’ binoculars to see up close, the devastation that had come across my town. I saw the face of destruction, this ‘Lieutenant’ that the man was talking to. He had no remorse. Male; female; child; it didn’t matter to him, only those that joined him were offered any concern in his mind.

My instincts told me to walk down and try to shoot him myself to end this mess but then I thought “Hold on a second, I am the threat. It is me who has caused this egotistical bastard to stress the fact that this ‘operation’ is at a complete undoing because of the fact that I escaped.” There was only one thing I could do. I had to turn back and travel until I found something that would threaten him, a force that could get rid of his regime. I had to alienate myself and speak to those whom I could trust. It will be a long and arduous journey, but this man has to be defeated.
I haven't got time to do a long comment. Mark: 11-12/15. Reads well and is interesting but too simple in terms of language. I am by no means a marker. It's a good piece of writing , trust me. Give more description to make the imagery more precise.
 

TheGusBus

New Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2008
Messages
9
Gender
Male
HSC
2009
My teacher introduced me to this website after i submitted this piece.
I did infact get an 11/15 for this short story with a note of "Very effect introduction + nice use of imagery"

Had i known about this website earlier i probably could've received closer to 15.
 

pooja_107

New Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2005
Messages
18
Gender
Female
HSC
2008
heyyy..
i'm having trouble writin a belonging story..

what website r u talking about???
 

toodsy

New Member
Joined
Jul 13, 2009
Messages
1
Gender
Female
HSC
2009
i need help with ideas on a belonging short story has anyone got any?
 

annabackwards

<3 Prophet 9
Joined
Jun 14, 2008
Messages
4,670
Location
Sydney
Gender
Female
HSC
2009
I'd give it about a 10/15.

You need to describe in more detail, fix up your english (it's a bit too basic) and perhaps have a twist/more definite ending :)
 

electrolysis

congenital schmuck
Joined
Feb 6, 2008
Messages
1,737
Gender
Male
HSC
2009
thats probably only 3-4 pages in the booklet.. definitely needs to be longer :)
agree with others, ~10/15 :)
 

lychnobity

Active Member
Joined
Mar 9, 2008
Messages
1,292
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2009
Add everyone's comments and critiques together and it comes down to one thing: you're not saying anything or capturing any unique aspect of belonging.

In 2 words: it's boring.
 

hermand

je t'aime.
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
1,432
Gender
Female
HSC
2009
i feel like it's too simple, it tries to create a sense of mystery but everything is given away. "I was lifted off my feet and was flung into a wall. A bomb hit my house and had blown half the wall off. could have been really descriptive, creating an in depth image, and it's too conversational and matter-of-fact i think. you set something up to be great, and then it's very anti climactic. it happens a lot. if that was improved i think i'd like it a lot more.
 

lychnobity

Active Member
Joined
Mar 9, 2008
Messages
1,292
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2009
2 or 3 words?
"it's" is a contraction. Therefore 2 words. Either way, it was boring.

hermand said:
i feel like it's too simple, it tries to create a sense of mystery but everything is given away. "I was lifted off my feet and was flung into a wall. A bomb hit my house and had blown half the wall off. could have been really descriptive, creating an in depth image, and it's too conversational and matter-of-fact i think. you set something up to be great, and then it's very anti climactic. it happens a lot. if that was improved i think i'd like it a lot more.
I have to agree with this.

The simpleton expression is very frustrating and doesn't suit the seriousness of a war themed narrative. Although there's a lot of action happening, I don't sense the tension.

And the worst part: you're telling the audience what's happening, instead of showing it.

eg A wave of relief went over my body and then I realised how tired I was. I swam to the riverbank and collapsed on the sand

Can be redone into something like this:
A knot I never knew was there loosened in the back of my neck, as I felt the effects of adrenaline waning. My legs were beginning to give way and I fought the urge to sleep. Bricks, tonnes of bricks were piling on my eyelids. I begged them to stay open. My arms no longer felt like my own, rotating of their own volition.

Just a few more strokes. I clenched my jaw, struggling to hoist myself on to the sand. Or anywhere away from water. Anywhere where I could just rest and forget anything that was ever worth saving.

I plunged my face into the sand inviting the dormant darkness to consume me.
 
Last edited:

ekoolish

Impossible?
Joined
Feb 11, 2008
Messages
885
Location
Western Sydney
Gender
Male
HSC
2009
Yeah, 900 words is too short for a short story, you're basically capping yourself at 12/15. Story starts a bit cliche with the character walking up out of bed. Also you should try to not directly state the obvious just to link it to belonging (i.e ' I felt alienated; there was no one.') Your use of techniques and language control is very limited and doesn't reflect a Stage 6 student. Start with using more metaphors and similes, then move onto integrating more complex techniques. You have a good plot going though and i like the mystery element of it. 9/15 for me.
 

Absolutezero

real human bean
Joined
Nov 17, 2007
Messages
15,077
Gender
Male
HSC
N/A
you set something up to be great, and then it's very anti climactic
I found this to be the case as well. As lychnobity expanded upon, the language is there, but it is used ineffectively. Your imagery could be used far more effectively. I also found that there seemed to be no real reasoning or resolution to the story. It ended, but it needed more justification. I would like to know more about why that character was a target.
 
Joined
Nov 4, 2007
Messages
207
Location
australia, nsw
Gender
Male
HSC
2004
How long does your story have to be??i skimmed through 2008 catholic trial section 2 creative writing samples, 80% were under a fully typed A4 page, although its borders were stretched, marks ranged from 13-14
Does the length really matter, isnt the sole purpose to convey concepts of belonging?
 
Joined
Nov 4, 2007
Messages
207
Location
australia, nsw
Gender
Male
HSC
2004
What would you mark this narrative out of 15?


I woke up with a fright. The noise pressuried my body.

I jumped out of bed and looked out ......

Maybe take advantage of construction to achieve maximum impact?? :spzz:
The truncated sentence, in orientating the story achieves emphasis + suspense
 

Aerath

Retired
Joined
May 10, 2007
Messages
10,169
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
N/A
way to short
How many words do you think are enough? Personally, I'm of the mind (and my teachers agree) that 800 words is plenty within the 40 minutes assigned to creative writing.
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 2)

Top